Jokes News

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up & announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day, she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

There was a man that was going to rob his first bank in his life but he was nervous about doing it. So the next day he went downtown and walked into the bank and said, “Freeze, mother sticker, this is a fuck up!”

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really, it all depends on your age.
Consider the following…
At age 4, success is not peeing your pants
At age 16, success is “getting a little”
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is “getting a little”
At age 90, success is not peeing your pants!

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: “Today, Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good: Private Brabant will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this, the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brabant was overweight and terribly slow.

But then the sergeant finished his statement: “Now for the bad news: Private Brabant will be driving a truck.”

Paul and a bunch of other kids ran up to Mrs. Robinson’s house carrying caps, baseball gloves, and bats. Paul shouted up to the window, “Mrs. Robinson! Can Johnny come out to play baseball?”

Mrs. Robinson replied, “Paul, you know that Johnny doesn’t have any arms or legs.”

Paul shouted back, “We know that. We just want to use him as first base!”

Things you shouldn’t say to a cop

Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.

Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

That uniform makes your ass look really big.

Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?

I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

“Bad Cop! No Donut!”

Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?

“Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.”

“Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalizer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow”

Did you happen to attend the “Barney Fife” Police Academy?

Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.

So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far they are ahead of me.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?

Sorry, I can’t hear you over the radio. No, I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.

What do you mean have I been drinking? You’re the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, man, you want a hit?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.

To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with a bar onion.

Several weeks later, the patient returned for a check up. “How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked.

“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief. But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects.”

“What’s that?” the doctors asked anxiously.

“Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on.”

I’m tired.

Yes, I’m tired. For a couple years I’ve been blaming iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies making you wonder if life is really worth living.

But now I found out, it ain’t that. I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of these 29 million are employed by the government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the armed forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from that the total of 14,800,000 people who work for state and city government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And YOU’RE sitting there reading jokes @ Comedy.com.

Damn!!

No wonder I’m tired!!

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various models. The dealer tells him, “Look, I have lots of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. You can’t go wrong with this chainsaw, and it will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself.

So, the next morning, the man gets up a 4 a.m. and cuts and cuts till nightfall, and still he has only managed to cut five cords. He is convinced this is a defective saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day with no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer in the morning,” he says to himself.

The very next day, the man brings the saw back to the dearler and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmmm, it looks fine to me.”

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?”