Jokes News

A man makes a suggestion to his wife. “Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?”

His wife responds with, “Yes, I would really like that! Tonight, you stand by the ironing board, and I’ll lie on the couch and watch TV.”

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at the third floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t yet started the paper either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it our of the way, so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one song of your favorite CD and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper!

10. Listen to another song.

11. Rearrange all of your CDs in alphabetical order by artist or group, then by album title. While you’re at it, create neatly-typed index cards, complete with notes and cross-references.

12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he’s started writing, yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large, etc., etc.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than twelve hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler’s Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time just for the hell of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

Once upon a time, a beautiful princess was seated on the shore of a pond near her castle. As she combed her golden tresses in the reflection of the pristine water, a frog hopped into her lap and spoke to her.

“Dearest Princess, I was once a handsome prince with a thousand servants and riches beyond your imagination. One day a beggar woman transformed me into this frog that you see before you, for she was indeed a witch. But with only a kiss from you, I will once again be transformed into that handsome prince. We will marry and move back to my palace where you can cook my meals, mend my clothes, and tend my children from a former marriage.

That night, as the princess dined elegantly in her castle on frog legs, wild rice and sauterne, she smiled to herself and thought “I don’t fucking think so.”

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said “I’m the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said “Not to worry, Preacher. ‘The smartest man in the world’ just jumped out with my back pack.”

The Pope and a priest are talking. The priest says to the Pope, “Hey, let’s go screw some nuns!”

The Pope replies, “Out of what?”

A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mother asking for a picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed
her the part showing him only from the waist up.

His mom wrote back after receiving the photograph and said, “Thanks for the picture. Can your grandma have one too?”

The guy thought, “Since grandma can’t see well, I’ll just give her the bottom half,” and he sent it.

After getting her grandson’s picture, she wrote to him and said, “Nice picture, but your hairstyle sure makes your nose look long.”

One day a blonde was walking through the woods when she came up to some train tracks, and a brunette was jumping across them chanting “21, 21, 21, 21…” and so on. The blonde asked the brunette what she was doing, and the brunette just kept jumping over the tracks chanting “21, 21, 21, 21…” After the blonde just sat on the tracks watching the brunette jumping the tracks, the brunette jumped aside the tracks and watched the blonde. The blonde asked her why she stopped, and then the train came and hit the blonde, and she was gone. So, the brunette goes back to the tracks, and starts jumping over them chanting “22, 22, 22, 22…”

In New York City, everbody had a “Run, Hillary, Run!” bumper sticker on his or her car.

Democrats put them on their rear bumpers.

Republicans put them on the front.

The son of a Kentucky moonshiner wanted to go to college, but his father said, “No one in our family got past eighth grade, and we made out ok.”

He finally agreed to send his son to college but gave him a warning to do well and learn as much as he could.

When the son came home on Christmas vacation his father asked him what he learned.

The son said had been taking remedial algebra.

His father said, “Say something in algebra to prove to me you have not been goofing off and wasting my money.”

The son said, “Pi R square.

His father said, “I knew it! You have been goofing off, any fool knows corn bread are square and pie are round.”