Jokes News

A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies “I’ve always wanted to be lucky.”

The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on “Lucky seven.” Round and round the wheel spins, and “bang!” - Lucky Seven.

Now he’s really flying….what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, and as he does so he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, “Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge.”

The guy says that he’s always fancied making it with an Indian girl….so he’s ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, “You are one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don’t really like about Indian women. I don’t like that red spot that you all have on your forehead.”

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, “Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark.”

So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing hysterically.

“What’s wrong, what’s wrong?” asks the Indian girl.

The guy replies, “You’re never going to believe this, but I’ve just won a car!”

Ever wonder what it would be like if President Clinton had been born an American Indian Chief? He would most probably be known by the whole Indian tribe as “Chief Crazy Pants.” And his intern? She would most likely be some young Indian maiden named “Kneeling Fox.”

Suk Mi Pagoda Cuntonese Cuisine
6969 Fellatio Blvd. Escondildo,
CA 281-6969 (that’s Two ate one, sixty-nine,sixty-nine)

OO-La-La-Carte:

Cream Sum Yung Guy.. Women love it

Cum Drop Soup …. Same as above, but no MSG

Suc Sum Tit ….. Chef’s favorite

Luncheon Specials:

1. Sum Yung Chick..Sweet and delicious

2. Sum Dum Fuc …Same as #1 but without brains

3. Wong Hong Lo…Chinese sausage with 2 meatballs

4. Suc Mi Pork….Mostly white meat for light eaters

5. Suc Mi Dork….Mostly dark meat for big eaters

Dinner Combinations:

1.Goo in Hand…..For those dining alone

2. Suc Mi Wang…..Traditional Chinese sausage

3. Cum Too Soon…..Order early! These go fast!

4. Sum Dum Chick….Always a low cost favorite

5. Fuc Mi Slo…..Takes 2 hours to prepare

6. Lik Mi Clit…..A lip smacking Oriental treat

7. Goo Wee Chick….No extra charge for sloppy seconds

8. Yung Poon Tang….Fresh daily

9. Too Can Choo…..Includes sausage and fish for two

10. Wai Too Yung…..Not available on school nights

11. Fuc Sum Now…..Raw fish for those in a hurry

12. Tung Sum Chick….Chef’s Special

13. Sum Gulp Twat….Low-cal diet special

14. Bang Ho Face…..Served sitting down

15. Bang Ho Butt…..Served with warm oil and jelly

16. Hoo Flung Poo….Lobster bibs & raincoats provided

ADULT: A person who has stopped at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

This young cowboy, fresh off the cattle drive, goes to the first town that he can find to get drunk, gamble and have sex with a prostitute.

Well…he gets drunk, plays terrible cards, and loses most of his money and decides that he better go the whorehouse while he still has five dollars.

When he gets to the whorehouse, he tells the madam that he wants to get laid but that he only has five dollars. The madam tells the cowboy that he can’t get laid for five dollars and that the only thing he can get is a wax job.

Well, he’s so horny that he’ll try anything, so the cowboy agrees and the madam calls over a beautiful young whore who tells the cowboy to take off his pants and to close his eyes, which he does right away. The young whore strokes his penis while she gently leads him over to the window sill and gently lays his penis on the sill and then ……

SLAMS THE WINDOW DOWN SO HARD THAT THE YOUNG COWBOYS EAR WAX COMES FLYING OUT!!!
(THAT IS THE WORLD FAMOUS WAX JOB)

An Army Ranger Instructor was training a new class of recruits in the field. They finished the day of exercises by a river and camped for the night.

The next morning the instructor woke up and went to the river to relieve himself. While doing his business an alligator came out of the water and snapped its mouth down on the instructor’s penis.

Finding himself in intense pain, he wanted to scream, but did not want to show any sings of weakness to the new recruits. So he took his thumbs and and poked them in the alligator’s eyes until it released its grip and slid back in the water.

The instructor slowly composed himself and turned to face the recruits. They were all staring at him, amazed at the courage and discipline it took to conduct himself is such a way. The instructor said, “Army Rangers are tough!” And asked if any of them thought that they could do the same thing.

One recruit from the back spoke up and said, “I will if you promise not to poke me in the eye!”

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded, “or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Navy man assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Navy guy.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explained.”I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

Q: How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

A: It’s not hard!!!!!

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”
I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”

Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”

Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an
approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!”

“I know,” answered the young man. “I already got that side.”

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose.

When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.”

“That’s baloney”, says one of the hunters.

“Yeah,” the other agrees, “you’re just chickenshit. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn’t afraid to take off!”

“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!”

The pilot got angry, and said, “Hell, if he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!” They loaded up, taxied at full throttle. The plane almost made it, but didn’t have enough lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt, dazed, and suffering from a broken jaw, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said “I’d say…About a hundred yards further than last year…”