Jokes News

The newspaper article reads:

Police were called to the scene of a museum robbery where a masked bandit stole priceless works of art. The suspect was apprehended just 2 blocks away. When he was questioned by police they asked how could someone break through the security system with such ease and be caught just 2 blocks away. The suspect simply replied….”I had no ‘Monet’ for gas to make the ‘Van-Gogh’…….”

The great Norse god, Thor, decided he would visit earth and amuse himself with an earth woman (a common practice among the pagan gods). He found one who was almost as large as he himself was, and who looked at him with a smile on her lips and fire in her eyes. It didn’t take long to come to an understanding and Thor went to work with all the enthusiasm and capacity of a Norse god.

The night wore away in repeated bouts of passion and finally, as dawn was breaking, the god felt it would be only right to acquaint the woman with the great good fortune that had come her way. Standing up, he stroked his great red beard and announced, “Know, O woman, that I am Thor!”

Whereupon the woman looked up at him wearily and said, “You’re Thor! Why, thuffering thathafrath, I’m tho thore I can’t even thit up.”

What goes up but never comes back down?

Answer: YOUR AGE

There was a survey conducted in Minnesota.

75% of the women thought Bill should be thrown out of office

65% of women thought he should be impeached, and

50% of women thought his penis tasted funny.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?” He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

“Now,” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

You know in this world there are three kinds of people: People that can count and people that can’t.

Today’s woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a “real” man.

“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“Let’s take your car.”
Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”

“Woman driver.”
Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”

“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
Really means…. “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means…. “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.

“Good idea.”
Really means…. “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”

“Have you lost weight?”
Really means…. “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”

“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
Really means…. “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means…. “I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means…. “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“I got a lot done.”
Really means…. “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”

“We’re going to be late.”
Really means…. “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
Really means…. “I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”

“You cook just like my mother used to.”
Really means…. “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”

“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Really means…. “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means…. “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means…. “Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means…. “I forgot our anniversary again.”

“You expect too much of me.”
Really means…. “You want me to stay awake.”

“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means…. “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.” (or Rene Russo)

“That’s women’s work.”
Really means…. “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“Will you marry me?”
Really means…. “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“Go ask your mother.”
Really means…. “I am incapable of making a decision.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Really means….”The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“Football is a man’s game.”
Really means…. “Women are generally too smart to play it.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
Really means…. “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.”
Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“What did I do this time?”
Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”

“What do you mean, you need new clothes?”
Really means…. “You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”

“She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
Really means…. “She refused to make my coffee.”

“But I hate to go shopping.”
Really means…. “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”

“No, I left plenty of gas in the car.”
Really means…. “You may actually get it to start.”

“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
Really means…. “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth reathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”

“I heard you.”
Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“You look terrific.”
Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I brought you a present.”
Really means…. “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”

“I missed you.”
Really means…. “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again, but rather that then stop and ask for directions.”

“We share the housework.”
Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Really means…. “I like you more than my truck.”

“I recycle.”
Really means…. “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”

“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
Really means…. “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”

“It sure snowed last night.”
Really means…. “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”

“It’s good beer.”
Really means…. “It was on sale.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means…. “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”

“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
Really means…. “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”

“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
Really means…. “Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”

“I broke up with her.”
Really means…. “She dumped me.”

The Good Ship Venus

‘Twas on the good ship ‘Venus’,
My god ! you should have seen us,
The figure-head,
Would lie on the bed,
And suck the captain’s penis.

The Captain’s name was Sandy,
He got drunk when he was randy,
The crew dipped his bum,
In hot red rum,
For pissing in the brandy.

The Captain-wife’s name was Mable,
She was always willing and able,
She gave the crew,
Their daily screw,
Beneath the Captain’s table.

The Bosun’s name was Big Jock,
But he only had a small cock,
He pumped hard one day,
Till the tip turned grey,
So now he hides it in his sock.

The first mate’s name was Carter,
Christ ! Was he was a farter !
When the wind wouldn’t blow,
And the ship wouldn’t go,
They used Carter the farter to start’er.

The second mate’s name was Maclean,
He invented a wanking machine,
On the thirty-third stroke,
The bloody thing broke,
And whipped his balls to cream.

The third mate’s name was Slugger,
In port, the wenches he’d plunder,
At sea one day,
He changed his way,
And now he enjoys a good bugger,

The Ship’s Cook’s name was Cropper,
He had an enormous whopper,
Twice round the deck,
Once round his neck,
And up his arse for a stopper.

The priest’s name was Reverend Stan,
He preached against stroking the gland,
He got a dose of the clap,
After he went for a crap,
And his balls fell off right in his hand.

The cabin-boy’s name was Kipper,
He was a nasty little nipper,
He filled his arse,
With broken glass,
And circumsized the skipper.

The ship-dog’s name was Rover,
The crew did Rover over,
He was so full of spoof,
That he couldn’t woof,
So they threw poor Rover over.

Three men had gotten drunk one night, and they all somehow ended up naked in the same bed. They woke up the next morning confused, but the guy on the end, obviously still half-asleep, began to talk.

“I had the best dream last night. I was making love to this gorgeous woman all night long. It was just awesome.” He began to go through the details, explaining what they did and what it was like. “Say,” he started, “What did you guys dream?”

Stunned, the man on the opposite end recalled the exact same dream in detail. It was virtually identical. The first man was amazed, and this being such a strange coincidence, they both looked at the guy in the middle. “What about you?” they asked curiously.

The man had been staring off into space for quite awhile. He was obviously perplexed. Finally, he sat up, looked down, and with a grimace, simply said “I dreamt I was skiing.”