Jokes News

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.

The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s strudel.”

“No, Grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”

“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?” the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

“Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries.

“I’m very sorry, grandfather, but she says it’s for the funeral.”

Your front porch collapses and you kill more than six dogs.
Your family tree doesn’t fork.
You barbecue spam on the grill.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You’ve used a weed-eater indoors.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You think a volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
The primary color of your car is “bondo”.
You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

And the number 1 clue is…..

Your father encourages you to quit school because “Larry has an opening on the lube rack”.

Q: How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None….Damn bitch can cook in the dark.

A Russian, Swede and Finn decided to have a competition to see who could stay in the longest in an extemely hot sauna.

The guys all went in, and the Russian came running out first after 1 hour. He was followed by the Swede who came out sweating profusely after 2 hours. The Finn came out after an entire 48 hours of sweating in the sauna.

“Wow, that’s truly incredible,” said the other two guys, “how did you do it?”

“I didn’t have any choice,” said the Finn, “My balls got caught in between the gaps on the bench and I couldn’t get out.”

One day, a man walked up to Bob and asked him to name all of the body parts of a woman. Bob named them all - arms, legs, mouth, head, - except for the one part that makes women different from men. When Bob was asked what he forgot, his response was “I just had it on the tip of my tongue!”

A employee was playing golf with his boss for a large bet, and had been waiting for a number of weeks for the game. He set himself up on the first tee and then on the nearby road a funeral went past, and so he took his hat off and bowed his head.

His boss was suprised that his employee showed such a Christian side to himself especially as he was playing for a large bet.

“That was kind of you,” said his boss.

“Well,” replied the golfer, “it was my wife.”

It was the first day after Christmas vacation and the teacher was asking the kids, “What did you get for Christmas?”

The first kid she asked said “I got a doll and a tape player.”

The teacher asked the next boy what he got for Christmas. He answered, “A soccer ball and a t-shirt”

The next boy answered, “A puppy and a little red wagon.” The teacher wanted to go to the next kid but the boy started telling a story. He said, “I had a lot of fun with the wagon and the puppy and I put the puppy in the wagon and pushed it down the hill. The wagon hit a curb and the little red handle on the little red wagon went straight up the puppy’s rear-end!”

The teacher said “Oh my, you mean rectum?”

“No,” said the little boy, “I nearly killed him.”

After his motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court, the attorney spoke up, “Your Honor,” he said, “what would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool?”

The Judge, now also angered, replied, “I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court ever again!”

“What if I only THOUGHT it?” asked the attorney.

“In that case, there is nothing I could do. You have the right to think whatever you may.”

“Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record reflect I ‘THINK’ you’re a stupid, degenerate, old fool.”

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

“It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.

At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so excited, he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.

The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette did 5.6 miles and the blonde did 4 miles. The boss told her not to worry; she still had a good lead.

On the third day, the redhead painted 6 miles, the brunette did 5 miles and the blonde did only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, “What went wrong? You were doing so well!”

She said, “Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away!”