Jokes News

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer.” He turns to the ostrich and asks “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have a beer too,” says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, “That will be $3.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the bartender.

“Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have large scotch,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich.

“That will be $7.20,” says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” the bartender asks.

“Well,” says the man, “Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender, “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The bartender asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

One day a boy who was about 15 ask his father for a car. His father said well son if you do good in church and graduate from school I will get you that car. So about three weeks later he came to his father and said dad only 5 days left in school, his father replied,”You are going to get that car”. So the five days were over he graduated and got a few awards in church. By then had grew a lot of facial hair and his father said when you cut all that hair off your face and your head I will get you that car. His son said well Jesus had lots of hair and a long beard. His dad said so you’ve been paying attention in church and then said well Jesus walk every where he went.

A Programmer and an Engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5. Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”

This catches the Engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. “What is the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The Engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it’s the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends email to his co-workers — all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks Well, so what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings: “Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?” the voice on the other end asks.

“Well, Sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson’s command jeep.”

“Soldier, do you know to whom you are speaking?”

“No, Sir.”

“This is Major Johnson, your commander!”

“Uh, Sir? Do you know whom you are speaking to?”

“Not yet!”

“That’s good! Adios, Fat-Ass!”

” Yeah, whatever..”

” It’s your stomach..”

” Would you like that cooked?”..

” How much salt is TOO much?..”

” If your order is hot, then consider it a gift..”

” You don’t actually think I’m listening, do you?”..

” Don’t mind the open sore on my lip when you get to the window”..

” I’m just getting over Hepatitus”..

” I have to pee, can you hold on a minute?..

Three drunk Irishmen were rambling through a cemetery in search of the oldest person buried there. One Blasted Bloke, Shamus, yells out, “Here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding!” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great!”

“That’s wonderful. And what was the name of that clinic? Maybe I should go.”

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile lit up his face, and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem that has thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“YES, that’s it!”

He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic I went to last month?”

…. AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE:

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your trashcan on your desk and label it “IN.”

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, “You’ve got to be faster than that.”

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”

Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go.’

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

Five days in advance tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.

AnD tHe FiNaL WaY tO aNnOy PeOple:

Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

“Say, how old are you anyway,” the reporter asked, as the obviously-young lass was disrobing.

“Thirteen” she replied with a shy smile.

“THIRTEEN??? My God, Girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?” he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she was leaving, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, “Superstitious, huh?”

“Good afternoon, ladies,” says Sherlock Holmes to three women sitting on a park bench as he and his good friend Dr. Watson are taking an afternoon stroll through the park in London.

When they are out of earshot from the three women, Dr. Watson asks, “I say, Holmes, do you know those ladies back there?”

“No, Watson,” replies Holmes, “I don’t know the spinster, the prostitute and the new bride.”

Astonished, Watson asks again in a surprised voice, “Good heavens, Holmes! If you don’t know them, how can you be sure that they are who you say they are?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson,” replies Holmes. “Have you noticed how those women are eating the bananas as we pass by?”

“Yes so what about it?” wonders Watson.

“Well, the spinster holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to break the banana into small pieces which she puts in her mouth.”

“Amazing,” says the smiling Watson. “What about the prostitute?”

“Simple! Have you observed how the prostitute holds the banana in both hands and crams it into her mouth?”

Eyes widening with discovery, Watson exclaims, “You’re right, Holmes! I never thought of that. How about the new bride?”

Flashing a wide grin, Holmes explains, “The new bride holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to push her head towards the banana.”