Jokes News

PLEASE FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS.

1. Say COW before each word:
Cows
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look

2. Say COW after each word:

Cows
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look

3. Say COW before and after each word:
cows
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look

4. Start at the bottom and read the words
upwards.
Cows
About
Talking
Idiot
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A. Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

One day two guys in a truck were driving down the road and their were 2 Amish men behind them.

The passenger of the truck says, “I gotta take a crap.” The driver says, “You just did back at the truck stop!”

The passenger sticks his butt out the window and takes a crap!

The crap lands on one of the Amish men. The other one said, “What kind of chewing tobacco did that guy spit on you?”

He said, “I don’t know, but you shoulda’ seen the lips on that son of a gun!!!”

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off.

I pickup up my briefcase, and the handle came off.

I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

Things Not To Say To The Nice Police Officer

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, I didn’t realize that my radar detector wasn’t on.

3. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?

4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.

6. Bad cop! No donut!

7. You’re gonna check the trunk, aren’t you?

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.

9. I pay your salary.

10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44
magnum!

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained specialist.

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

14. That gut doesn’t inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.

15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that’s how far they are ahead of me.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Sing this to the tune of the Beatles’ “Let It Be” :

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
Write in C.

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO’s dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC’s not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C.

Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run, too!”

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points on the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story, then told her to go to the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited a long time before the doctor reappeared. The lady demanded, “What took you so long?”

He replied, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management, before I could remove old growth timber from a recreational area.”

1. He held her close and tried to pretend like he had a sexual interest in her. Finally, he says loudly…You have no boobs, and your holes too tight!

She replyed back…Get off my back.

2. Q. What is long and hard and full of semen?

A. A submarine!

3. Q. Why are pubes curly?
A. If they wern’t, they’d poke your eye out!