Jokes News

Two people went to Egypt on their honeymoon. They wanted to get camels to go out and see the pyramids and Sphinx and stuff. So they went to a tourist bureau to find a place that would rent them camels. The information guide told them to go to Heimi’s Rent-a-Camel. So they got directions and found the place. The tourists rang the bell. This short, fat man waddled out and asked if he could help them. They said they needed two camels to go out and see the stuff.

“Will that be a seven or a ten day camel?” Heimi asked. They decided to play it safe and asked for a ten day camel. So Heimi brought out a camel and set a 50 gallon bucket in front of it and made the camel drink. Well, the camel finished that 50 gallon bucket of water, so Heimi filled it up again and set it in front of the camel. The camel drank that one also. So, Heimi filled it up again. He did this routine nine more times. On the eleventh bucket the camel looked at it and turned his head away. Heimi came around front and said to the tourists,
“Now this is a seven day camel.”

Heimi then put the camel’s head in the bucket and picked up two rocks. He then went behind the camel and smashed the camel’s testicles between the two rocks. Well, that camel sucked up the entire 50 gallon bucket of water. Heimi came around front and said, ” And this is a ten day camel.”

The male tourist was just writhing in pain after seeing that and squeeked out, “Heimi, doesn’t that hurt?”

“Nah, you just put your fingers on the sides of the rocks!”

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, “That was incredible!”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

A teacher forwarded these comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.”

“The body consists of three parts: the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five–a, e, i, o, and u.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead animal.”

“To prevent contraception, use a condominium.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.”

The cowboy said, “Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She thought for a moment and replied, “Okay, you tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

During an informal discussion with former President Harry Truman, an eager young student asked, “How do I get started in politics, sir?”

“You’ve already started,” replied Truman. “You’re spending somebody else’s money, aren’t you?”

This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”

“What? You’re crazy???!!!”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”

“No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor . . .”

“At this time of the night no one will show up.”

“I’ve already said NO, and NO!”

“Honey, it’s just a small blowjob . . . I know you like it too.”

“NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!”

“Baby . . . don’t be like that.”

At this moment the younger sister opens the front door wearing her nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says . . .

“Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?” St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.”

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s Bill Clinton’s clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.”

Hop Sing was a cook on the Ponderosa Ranch.

All the cowboys loved to poke fun at him because, being Chinese, he had a pigtail and wore a funny hat. He also couldn’t speak English very well. The cowboys used to put live snakes and frogs in his bed and pulled on his pigtail, just to tease him. Hop Sing, however, never complained and kept on working. He was a good sport.

One day, the cowboys got together and said: “This Hop Sing is really a nice guy, we shouldn’t be so mean to him.” They decided to apologize to him for the many years of abuse.

So they went to Hop Sing as a group and said: “Hop Sing, we are very sorry for being so mean to you throughout the years. You are really a nice guy. From now on, we are going to be nice to you. There will be no more pigtail-pullin’ and there will be no more snakes in your bed.”

“Good, good,” said Hop Sing, overjoyed, “no more snake in the bed, no more pee in the soup!”