Jokes News

A young couple were married, and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over, they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at five o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day, until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, “I’m going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there.”

A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”

The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”

One day farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I’m going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll save half the time to get there”.

The fair young lady said, “How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull down my blouse and feel me up?”

The farmer said, “I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The young lady said, “Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold
the chickens.

Two men were walking in a forest when they suddenly see a bear ten feet away from them. One of the guys bent down and began to tie his shoes.
“Are you crazy?” The other guy said. “Do you really think you can outrun a bear?”
The guy replied, ” I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.”

Pushing his way to the front of the crowd, Jesus waved his arms if front of the mad throng. When they had quieted, he helped up a woman whom they had been pelting with stones.

“This is wrong! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly a rock came flying from the midst of the mob, and caught the woman square in the forehead.

Looking across the sea of faces, Jesus swore,

“Dammit! Is that you, Mother?”

A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction worker. They get into a conversation, and the man asks the worker what he would do if he only have five minutes to live.

“Well, I haven’t lived a very passionate life, so I supposes I’d screw anything that moved,” he answered. “What would YOU do?”

“I’d stand perfectly still.”

Pierre was arrested in paris for raping a dead woman. When brought before the judge, he was asked what he had to say for himself. Pierre replied, sheepishly, “Pardon, your Honor, I did not know she was dead, I thought she was English!”

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an “unauthorized experimental
procedure,”
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace,”
4. Exam room has a tip jar.
5. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
6. “Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?”
7. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
8. “Take two leeches and call me in the morning,”
9. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
10. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow’s doorstep.
11.”Pre-natal vitamin” prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
12. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
13. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
14. Plan covers only “group” gynecological exams.
15. Preprinted prescription pads that say, “Walk it off, you sissy.”
16. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture,
the doctor just French kisses you.
17. You can get your flu shot as soon as “the” hypodermic needle is dry.
18. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
19. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
20. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

When you go fishin’ and you catch somethin’, that’s good.

If you’re makin’ love and you catch somethin’, that’s bad.

Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen.

And fish don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishin’, you lie about the one that got away.

In lovin’, you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish; you don’t have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.

To catch a woman, you’re talking dinner and a movie, minimum.

Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin’.