Jokes News

One day a blonde was horseback riding. Everything was
going fine until the horse started going too fast and
bouncing out of control.

The blonde tried with all her might to hang on but soon was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground.

Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse
would not stop or even slow down.

Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness….

the Kmart manager came out and unplugged the horse!

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a babysitter.”

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

“Oh my god, I am sooo sorry,” the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!

“You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No, she replies………

Wait for it….

It`s coming………….

The suspense is killing you ……..

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

Three men - one Jewish, one Hispanic and one Italian - die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says there is only room for one soul at this time. He continues to say that the Pearly Gates need repair and the three men must offer bids to God to repair the Gates. Whoever gives the best bid will then be permitted to enter.

Each man goes off in a different direction to carefully determine the amont of his bid.

The Jewish man returns to St. Peter with a bid of $1000 stating that he will need all new steel, new hinges, new screws, etc. to do a proper job.

The Hispanic man returns to St. Peter stating that since he could reuse a lot of the materials, he could do the job for $500.

Finally, the Italian returns to St. Peter with a bid of $1,500. Shocked, St. Peter asks how the man expects to win the bid when his price is so high. To this, the Italian responds - “Hey, St. Peter - There’s $500 for you, $500 for me and we’ll let the Hispanic guy do it for $500.”

Confucius says, it is better to have Flung Dung than Hung Chow.

For years and years they told me,
“Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests.”

So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully
And always wore a bra.

After 40 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.

“Stand up very close,” she said,
As she got my breast in line.
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said
“Ah, yes! There! That’s just fine.”

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched
From way up by my chin.
My poor breast was being squashed
To Swedish Pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit.

“Take a deep breath,” she said to me.
Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can’t breathe and weary I am getting.

“There, that was good,” I heard her say,
As the room was swaying.
“Now let’s get the other one.”
“Lord, have mercy,” I was praying.

I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have popped by now.

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt!
I’d like to get his balls in there
And listen to HIM shout!!!!!!

A seven-year-old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good and included Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.

However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, “Oh, that’s Round John Virgin.”

Q: What do you see when you look in Monica Lewinsky’s underwear?

A: A wad of Bill’s

A business man got on a plane. When he went to sit down he noticed a parrot strapped to a seat. He then sat next to the parrot.

Later when the plane took off, a flight attendant came over and asked the man what he wanted. He said, “Bring me a cup of coffee.” The parrot said, “Bitch, bring me peanuts!”

When she returned she just brought the nuts. The businessman said, “Where is my coffee?”

“I’m sorry, I’ll be right back.”

The parrot said, “Bring more nuts, whore.”

She came back with the nuts, so the man thought he would take the parrot’s approach to get coffee.

“Look, I asked you for coffee twice and I haven’t gotten any yet. Now bring me coffee or I’ll slap you one.”

The attendant came back with two other attendants, grabbed the parrot and the man, opened the hatch and threw them off the plane.

On the way down the parrot said, “For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a smart bastard.”

In a checkout line the other day, this couple was arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of half listening until she heard the lady say to the guy, “Stop being a scrote.”

With a furrowed brow, the clerk asked, “What is a scrote?”

Without missing a beat, the lady responded, “Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.”