Jokes News

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, ” Why are you crying?”

The first one replied, ” I came here for blood test.”

The second one asked, “So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?”

The first guy replied, “No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger.”

Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, “Why are you crying?”

Then the second guy replied, “I have come for a urine test.”

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job, as women, to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have at dinner.

Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age, and some go all sour and vinegary and wind up giving you a headache.

God’s Human DNA Code
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism’s DNA seems to serve any useful function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

===/* HUMAN_DNA.H *
* Human Genome * Version 2.1 *
* (C) God *
/
/* Revision history: *
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy — will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements — skin colour made darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra ‘wisdom’ teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.

*/ /* Standard definitions */
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. *
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features. */
#include “mother.h”
#include “father.h”
#infndef FATHER
#warn(”Father unknown — guessing\n”)
#include “bastard.h”
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */
#include
/* Kludged code — I’ll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/struct genitals {#ifdef MALE Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p;
#endif }
/* Initialization bootstrap routine — called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /
* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE *
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);===
…and so on.

A Woman is walking trough the train searching for a seat, finally she finds one and sits down. Across the woman is a man with a bag of seeds… and the man is eating the seeds one by one.

Curious the woman asks: “Why are you eating seeds?”

“These aren’t just seeds,” explains the man, this are seeds of the smart apple tree.. when you eat these seeds you instantly become smarter.”

“WOW!” answers the woman. “Will you give me some?”

“GIVE? No way, but I will sell them at $25 a piece.”

The woman checks her wallet, “Well that is expensive, but I will take four.” She hands over $100 and the man counts out four seeds.

The woman eats the seeds immediately, and after swallowing them. She yells to the man….
“WAIT A SECOND, THESE AREN’T SMART SEEDS! THESE ARE JUST REGULAR APPLE SEEDS — I COULD HAVE BOUGHT THOUSANDS OF SEEDS WITH $100!”

Then the man calmly replies: “You see they are starting to work already!”

My boss is a fellow named Sid
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid
Just outside his door
A sign said, “Wet floor,”
Sid saw it, and read it … and did!

Note: This lightning-fast exchange REALLY HAPPENED! It occurred during a parent/teacher conference for our son, and it made some jaws drop. Sometimes a person gets lucky–and the PERFECT comeback shoots out of one’s mouth almost without thinking.
–> During a parent/teacher conference at our son’s school, his teacher solemnly informed us: “I’m sorry to say that Dylan is having problems with three-letter words in the book at school.”

“But that’s impossible!” I heard myself quipping. “He knows every FOUR-LETTER WORD IN THE BOOK at home!”

Q: Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?

A: Because they can’t even keep two calves together.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, “Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?”

The other guy says, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’……….. so she socked me a good one.”

The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’
But I accidentally said, ‘You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.’”

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, “Use more soap on panties.”

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.

Finally fed up, the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, “Use more paper on ass.”

It was the first time the blonde had eaten Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The day after Thanksgiving her mother called to see how everything went.

“Oh, Mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey,” said the daughter.

“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.

“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”