Jokes News

Where is a woman’s asshole during an orgasm?

Home, watching the kids.

One day, a old lady decides to buy a parrot to keep her company. As soon as she brings it home…she sets it up in the corner in a nice cage, sits down, and starts to read a book.

Pretty soon she hears….
“What the hell are you reading?”

Astounded that her parrot talked like that, she told her parrot…
“If I hear that out of you one more time, you will be punished.”

A few minutes later, she hears…
“What the hell are you doing?”

“That’s it!!” cried the old woman…
She took the parrot out of the cage, and put him in the freezer.

She let him out 10 minutes later…almost frozen

As soon as he was warm enough to speak, he cried out
“What the hell did the turkey do?”

Yo Mama so fat, she sat on a quarter and squeezed a booger out of George Washington’s nose.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
A: Say, “Nice dick.”

Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.

Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine

Q. Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?
A. Its for dickheads.

Q. Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
A. Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.

Q. What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
A. An udder failure.

Q. How do you get fifty old ladies to say the word “Fuck” all at the same time?
A. Have another one yell “Bingo!”

Q. How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A. Three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.

Q. What’s white and 10 inches long?
A. Nothing.

1. Your mama is like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.

2. Your mama is so stupid, she peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies.

3. Your mama so stupid she thought 2pac Shakur was Jewish

Man goes to a party and gets so totally drunk that he passes out.

He wakes up the next day and discovers two lines around his penis. There was a red one, and a brown.

He goes to the doctor and the doc takes samples of both lines.

Later on the doc comes back to him and says, “There’s good news and bad news. The good news is the red was lipstick. But the brown is the bad news.”

The guy asks, “Why, what was it?”

“It was chewing tobacco!!!”

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name “Marylou” written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation!”

“Calm down, Honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

“What was that for? he complained.

“Your dog called last night.”

“Are you sure this is your house?” the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled gentleman.

“Shertainly,” said the drunk, “an’ if you’ll jesh open the door f’me, I’ll prove it to you.”

“You shee that piano?” the drunk began. “Thash mine. You shee that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me.”

The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. “Thish ish my bedroom,” he announced. “Shee that bed? Thash my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And shee that guy lying next her?”

“Yeah,” said the cop, suspiciously.

“Thash me!”

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure do,” replied the bartender.

“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

Over 20 years before Hugh Hefner came up with the idea, gangster George “Bugs” Moran thought about a “Gentlemen Only” club, with voluptuous, near-nude cocktail waitresses, partially patterned after the Geisha houses in Japan, of which he had heard numerous stories. He tossed around his plans for such an exclusive club with his “business associates,” and most agreed the idea was sound. Unfortunately, the dream never got off the drawing board (for him, anyway) but he DID manage to get the “uniforms” that the cocktail waitresses might wear, designed.

Asking around, he located the best fashion designer in all of Chicago and had him summoned to his office. He outlined the kind of club he was thinking of opening, and asked the designer to create outfits for the girls that would “enhance their loveliness, without being crude or vulgar.” The fashion designer promised he’d have results in less than three weeks, and set off to work.

In just over two weeks’ time, the fashion designer reported back to George Moran that he had indeed created the “perfect cocktail waitress uniform”. He even brought along a shapely young woman to model the new creation.

The gal went into another office to change. In moments, she walked into Mr. Moran’s office, wearing an outfit that would have made Hugh Hefner PROUD. George Moran’s jaw dropped when he beheld her beauty, and he could hardly contain his enthusiasm for her.

As he shifted uncomfortably in his chair, he said to the designer, “What do you call her?”

The designer said, “What else? This is ‘Bugs’ bunny’!”