Jokes News

One day a gay guy walks into a deli and asks for five pounds of pepperoni. The deli clerk asked, “How thin would you like that sliced?”

The gay guy replied, “What do you think my ass is, a slot machine?”

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, “You do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, “You protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, “You serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop BANG, clip-clop clip-clop BANG

An Amish drive-by shooting.

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “241.”

“That is wonderful!” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!”

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks her, “What is your IQ?” to which the lady answers, “144.”

“That is great!” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”

Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.”

Albert responds, “How ’bout them Cowboys?”

A Marine enters the restroom and sees a sailor standing at the urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants.

The Marine says, “It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess with all those buttons every time you take a piss.”

The sailor replies, “Yes it is! If I were a Marine, all I’d have to do is take off my hat.”

A woman walks into a butchers shop and asks’have you got a sheeps head?’ The butcher then replies ‘no, it is just the way that I part my hair’.

Grandpa hears some banging noises on the side of the house. He looks out the window and sees his grandson with a hammer, driving some weird-colored nails into the side of the house.

“Junior,what are you doing with those nails?”

Junior looks up at Grandpa, and replies.”These aren’t nails, Granpa, they’re worms!”

Sure enough, on closer look they are!
“Where did you get those from, boy? Worms are supposed to be soft and squishy, NOT hard and firm like that!”

“Oh, I made some stuff up with my chemistry set from Christmas, and tried it out on these worms. I did good,huh?”

You could see the wheels turning in the old guys’ head. “Say, Junior, you got any of that stuff left?”

“Sure,why?”

“Oh, let me borrow some, and if things go right, I’ll get you those new skates you wanted!”

“Oh,BOY! HERE YA GO!”

The next morning, Junior comes down stairs and sees a bright, shiny, new mountain bike sitting in the parlor with his name on it.

The happy boy runs into the kitchen where he sees his Grandpop.

“Gee Gramps, thanks for the swell bike, but I thought you said you’d get me skates?”

Gramps, with a sparkle in his eye,replies, “I’m going down to get them now. That bike is from your GRANDMA!”

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother, for she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy.

I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter who, of course, was my
step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She’s my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

Q. Did you hear about the 2 bald men that put their heads together?

A. They made an ass of themselves!

Your Mama is so fat that when she dances the band skips.