Jokes News

Hand written on restroom wall above the urinal:

“Why are you looking up here? The joke is in your hand!”

Jon’s working at the lumbermill, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”

The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 1998. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

Jon says, “Well, shit, Doc, I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”

Three ants, Joe, Bob, and Billy, were living in an ant hill right in the middle of a woman’s yard. They were sleeping peacefully, until they were suddenly awakened by water rushing down and flooding the hill. The three friends barely escaped.

Having lost their home, they decided to enter the house and find somewhere to sleep. They walked into the woman’s bedroom, and began talking over their “room” assignments.

Joe had decided to sleep in one of the woman’s nostrils. “I ain’t gonna sleep in the other nostril!” said Bob. “Even her butthole is better than that!” Having heard that, Billy said, “Well, I guess I’m stuck with the pussy.”

The next morning the ants got together and began discussing their nights. “Wow, that nostril was the best! I liked that gentle breeze going in and out!”, said Joe. Jack looked angry and said, “Man, my night was horrible! It smelled terrible in there and I was shoveling dirt all night!” Billy looked at Bob and said, “You think your night was bad?! Some friggin bald headed guy with purple face paint kept coming in and out… and the last time he came in, HE SPAT ALL OVER ME!!!!!!”

A golfer was searching for his ball in the deep rough when he saw a tiny witch crouched by a tiny cauldron.

The little woman asked him how his golf game was going and the man replied that it was terrible. She told him to take a sip of her brew. When he had done so, she asked him how his sex life was.

He confessed that it was worse than his golf game. She told him to take another sip. The man did, and thanked her as he made his way back to the fairway.

A month later, the same man was looking for a friend’s golf ball when he spotted the witch.

“How’s your golf game?” she asked.

“Terrific,” he replied.

“And your sex life?”

“I’m averaging once a month.”

“Hmmm. It should be better than that.”

“But it’s not bad for a minister in a small town who doesn’t own a car.”

The Golden Years are here at last.
I cannot see, I cannot pee,
I cannot chew, I cannot screw,
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks,
No sense of smell, I look like hell,
The Golden Years have come at last,
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

Mr. Keen trudged through the snow to the home of his neighbor, Mr. Dahl.

“Awright,” he snarled when Dahl answered the door, “I’ve had it with your son pissin’ in my yard. I looked out the window before and his name was written in the freakin’snow!”

Dahl grinned, “Come now, Keen.. ..is that really worth getting all riled up about?”

“You bet!” he replied. “It’s my daughter’s handwriting!”

A professional yoddler was traveling across country performing when his car broke down one night.

The yoddler walked up to a farm and requested assistance. The farmer stated he would be able to help fix the car, but not until the next day.

The Farmer then sugested that the yoddler spend the night, but he was to stay away from the farmer’s daughter.

The yoddler, tired and frustrated agreed to comply. The next morning the farmer awoke only to find the yoddler was not where he was supposed to be.

The farmer went immediatly to the daughter’s bedroom and found the yoddler. The farmer started chasing the yoddler out of the house and proceeded down the driveway.

As the yoddler was gaining ground on the farmer, the yoddler turned around and announced to the farmer in a strong voice “And I got thee
Ol Laddi too”.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!

In my hometown, we have a young doctor whose real name is Dale Pepper. It always gets a laugh when the hospital summons “Dr. Pepper.”

His favorite comeback to those who try to tease him is, “I’m Dr. Pepper, and I call my dad, ‘Pop.’”

A piece of string goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a bacardi coke.

The bartender replies we dont serve strings in this bar and throws the string out.

So the piece of string puts on a dark pair of glasses and goes back in the bar and orders a tap beer.

And the bartender says i told you before we dont serve strings in this bar and took the string out back and roughed up the string and ties him in a knot.

So the string goes back in the bar and orders a Long Island Ice Tea and the bartender says arent you the same string i just threw out. And the string replies ” No i’m a frayed knot.”