Jokes News

There is a blind man on his way to Texas for the first time. He is on the airplane, and he is in First Class. He goes to his seat, and feels them, they are huge. He asks the stewardess, “Aren’t these seats kinda’ big?” She replies, “Oh, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

Then he gets to Texas, and he goes to his room. He walks, and walks and didn’t hit the wall for a few minutes, and he was walking in a straight line. He asks the bell boy, “Isn’t this room kinda’ big?” The BellBoy replies, “Yes, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

After awhile he gets thirsty, so he goes down to the bar, and orders a glass of beer. The bartender gives him a gallon size glass. The blindman feels it, and says, “I said a SMALL glass.” The bartender says, “Everything’s bigger in Texas.”

So after the blind man finishes the big Texas beer, he asks “Where’s the restrooms?” The Bartender says, “The third door on the right.”

The blindman is walking, feeling the doors, and he trips. He goes to the 4TH door instead of the 3rd. Unfortunately, the 4th door goes right out to the pool.

The blindman opens the door, and falls in — SPLASH! Thinking it was the restroom, he frantically waves his arms, and yells, “DON’T FLUSH!!! DON’T FLUSH!!!”

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate.” the young man replied, indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom, and I’ll show you how.”

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

“And just where have you been until this hour?!” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

“Down at the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”

There were 3 babies in a lady’s stomach. One day, they were talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up.

The first baby said, “I want to be an plumber when I grow up.” The other two asked why. He said, “Someone has to fix all the leaky pipes in here.”

The second baby said, “I want to be an electrician.” The other two started laughing, and asked why. He said, “It’s kinda dark in here. Someone has to put some lights in.”

The third baby said, “I want to be a boxer.” The other two were laughing for a full five minutes, and asked why. He said, “Someone’s gotta beat up the bald guy who keeps coming in and spitting on us.”

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that whole term.

There was a nun taking a bath one day. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door. “Who is it?” the nun says. “Blind man,” the guy says. “I’m busy right now,” says the nun.

Suddenly she hears another knock again. “Who is it?” says the nun. “Blind man. Hurry up!” says the guy. The nun thought since it was only a blind man, he couldn’t see her.

So the nun gets out the tub and she’s butt naked. She opens the door and the guy comes in. The guy says, “Hey nice body, where do you want me to put these blinds?”

What did the woman do when her husband told her that he was gay?

She bent over and took it like a man.

Yo mamma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mamma so small she hanglides on a dorito.

Yo mamma’s like a doorknob, everybody gets a turn.

Yo mamma’s like a bowling ball, she’s picked up, fingered, and thrown in the gutter.

Yo mamma’s like a vacuum, she sucks, she blows, and a two-year old could turn her on.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have
a work station…

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you’re ahead”?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They’re cramming for their “finals”.

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use…Toothpicks?

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do…write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

* If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* Go ahead and take risks….just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

* How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

* Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?

* If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Question: Why can’t the Greeks ever win the World Cup Football (Soccer)?

Answer: Because every time you give them a corner, they build a fish and chip shop.