Jokes News

Little Johnnie’s teacher asked the students to use the word FASCINATE in a sentence.

Susie raised her hand and the teacher called on her. She said, “The stars really are fascinating.”

The teacher said, “No Susie, I wanted you to use just ‘fascinate’.”

Scottie raised his hand and was called on. He said, “The museum we went to last week fascinated me.”

Again the teacher said, “No Scottie, I wanted you to use just ‘fascinate’.”

Finally Johnnie raised his hand and was called on. He said, “I got a sentence!! My sister’s boobs are so big she can only FASTEN EIGHT buttons on her shirt!!!”

Seen on the wall in a men’s bathroom:

What are you lookin’ up here for?
The joke’s in your hand.

what’s five words a man hates to hear?

I’m pregnant and it’s yours.

Two guys were carpooling home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs, having sex in someone’s front lawn.

“Look,” he shouted, “What are the those dogs doing? Fighting?”

The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, “They’re having sex. Don’t tell me that you have never had sex, doggie style before.”

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had.

His passenger said, “You have to try it. It’s pretty cool. Here’s what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.”

The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the passenger asked, “Well. How did it go?”

The driver replied, “It was GREAT! But, it took me SIX margaritas just to get her naked on the front lawn!”

George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill, with the following note: “Bring a friend, if you have one.”

Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: “Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one.”

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks . . . Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.

Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. “RUFUS!!” Clarence would shout. “You better thank your lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your butt!!”

“CLARENCE!!” Rufus would holler back, “You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!”

This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along. Builds a bridge. Every morning. Every day. Another five years. Finally, . . . Mrs. Rufus has had enough.

“Rufus!” she yells, one day. “I cain’t take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you’ve been threatenin’ to whup Clarence. Well, there’s the bridge . . . have at it!”

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. “Woman!” he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. “I’m gonna whup Clarence’s but!!!” He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up . . . TURNED TAIL AND RAN, RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

“Rufus!” cried the missus. “I thought you was gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!”

“I was, woman, I was!!” he whispered.

“Rufus!” cried the missus. “What in tarnation is the matter?”

“Well,” muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, “I went to the bridge . . . I stepped up on the bridge . .. walked halfway over the bridge . . . looked up . . .”

“And?” asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

“And,” continued Rufus, “I saw a sign that said, “Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches” . . . he ain’t never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!”

Two Newfies go into a bar and order “Champagne for everyone!”

After the bartender does this, he ask the guys why they’re celebrating.

The two Newfies proclaim: “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and it only took us two months!”

“Two months, what’s so special about that?” said the bartender.

“Well on the box it said 2-4 years!”

How many psycho-analyists does it take to change a light bulb?

One…but the bulb must be willing to be changed.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this, mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students’ written work. She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one overly-busy day when she sat at her desk, rubbing her tired and aching temples.

A student walked by and asked, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?”

“Tense,” she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause, the student tried again . . . “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter . . .???”