Jokes News

~The following are actual winning analogies in the “worst analogies ever written in a high school essay” contest~

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaak/ch@ng by mistake.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without “Cling-Free.”

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayola crayon.

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was something of an idiot at counting money and adding up figures. “Where did you get your finance education?” he asked.

“Yale,” replied the lad.

“And what’s your name?” asked the manager.

“Yim Yohnston,” he replied.

A man and a woman met in a bar and after hitting it off they went back to her trailer for dinner. The woman gave him a quick tour of the trailer, and as they got to her room he noticed rows upon rows of teddy bears on the walls and how they got bigger as the rows went up. He didn’t want to offend his date so he didn’t mention them. After a long night of passion, he rolled over and asked “How was it?” She replied, “Take any prize off the bottom shelf.”

How do you spot Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

Look for the sesame seed buns!

An associate of President Calvin Coolidge objected when the name of a certain industrialist was put forward for inclusion in the Cabinet. “But, Mr. President, he’s a son-of-a-bitch!”

“Well, don’t you think they ought to be represented too?” said Coolidge.

Two men, sitting side by side in a 747 jet, started to talk. One told the other that this was his first flight.

They left New York City for Los Angeles. They landed in Chicago, whereupon a little red truck pulled up and refueled the plane.

They again landed to refuel in Denver. Another little red truck pulled up to the plane. Then they took off once again.

As they were about to land at their destination, the veteran flier pointed out to the novice what great time they had made.

The novice said, “Yes, they had made good time, but that little red wagon wasn’t doing bad either!”

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!!!!!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn’t find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Just plant your potatoes.”

A man and his wife have finished watching a TV movie about a woman who hires a private investigator to find out if her husband is really cheating on her.

The man turns to his wife and asks, “Would you do what that woman on TV did?”

The woman thinks for a moment and then says, “Well, probably not so much to find out who the other woman is but to see if I could find out what in heaven’s name she could have seen in you.”

Q: What do you call Mr. Clinton’s fly?
A: US Open