Jokes News

A guy comes home from work to see his girlfriend packed and waiting by the door.

“I’m leaving you.”

“Why?” he says. “Things were great this morning! What’s changed?”

“I heard you were a pedophile.”

The guy looks hard at his girl. “Pedophile? Hey! That’s an aaaaawfully big word for a 10 year old!”

What has one hundred gold teeth and holds back a monster.

My zipper.

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: A bunch! Men will screw anything!

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

“Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked.

“I could eat,” said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, “I could eat.”

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.

Meekly, Seymour said, “Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like
Kings. I just don’t understand.”

“To be honest, Seymour,” the Lord said, “for just two people, does it pay to cook?”

A jumbo jet took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NO!!!”

Silence followed and after a few anxious minutes, the pilot came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in the coach section hollered, “That’s nothing! He should see the BACK of MINE!”

Three men were arguing which animal was the meanest.

The first said, “A lion was meanest with big claws and teeth it could tear a person up in a second.”

The second man said, “No, it has to be a rhinocerous with that big horn and thick hide it could tear a house down in a minute.”

The third man said, “No, the meanest animal on earth is a crocagator.”

The other two said, “What the hell is a crocagator. ”

HE said, “It has a crocadiles head and front legs on one end and an alligators head and front legs on the other end.”

They said, “That can’t be right, how does shit.”

He said, “It can’t,that’s reason it’s so damn mean.”

yo momma so damn dumb she told everyone she was “illegitimate” because she couldn’t read.

yo momma so damn dumb she read a sign that said “Disney World Left” so she went home.

yo momma so damn dumb her job application said “do not sign below the dotted line” and she O.K.

One day, a beautiful woman was sitting in a small French cafe when an idiot came up to her and said, “Can I buy you a drink?”

She says, “Sure, but you can’t sleep with me”

Disappointed by the answer, the idiot asks, “But why?”
She replies,”Because I’m a lesbian.”

Thinking about it for a moment, the idiot ponders, “So what if you have a different religion?”

The lesbian says,”Don’t you know what a lesbian is?”

“No, what is a lesbian?” the idiot answers bluntly.

“Well, see that gorgeous women over there? Well, I want to go over there, ask her out and end up having wonderful sex with her all night long.”

Then the idiot drops to the floor and starts sobbing and crying.

The lesbian asks, “What is your problem?”

The idiot replies, “I think I’m a lesbian too!”

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission, he needed to find the restroom in the worst way, so he hurriedly left the auditorium. He searched in vain for one and couldn’t locate any.

Finally, he stumbled across a beautiful fountain with foliage, and since nobody was watching, he decided to relieve himself right there.

When he made it back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. “Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.

“Miss it? she said, indignantly. “You WERE it!”

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter.
“While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”