Jokes News

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor.

“Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did.” the man muttered unconcernedly.

“Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?”

“Yep.”

“Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.

“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out.” the farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor.

“I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”

“The President of the United States is DEAD?” The agent gulped in disbelief.

“Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t, … but you know what a liar he is.”

The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, when we need new cars, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”

“And you?”

“I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.”

Adam was getting a little lonely in the Garden of Eden, so God came to him and said that he would make him a partner. Adam, being somewhat skeptical, asked what the partner would do for him.

God said that the partner would make him happy when he was sad and raise his spirits when he was down. The partner would clean for him, cook for him, provide him with children, and do many things to make life more fulfilling.

Adam then inquired as to what it would cost him.

“Ah!” said God. “It will cost you an arm and a leg.”

Adam said that he didn’t look forward to losing an arm and a leg, but what could he get for a rib?

The rest is History.

Q. Why did the blonde sell her car?

A. She needed gas money.

An atheist is sitting quitely in his boat, fishing in the middle the lake in Scotland. All of a sudden the boat is thrown fifty feet into the air, with him in it. As he’s coming down, he sees the Loch Ness Monster, huge and all-consuming, about to devour him. “OH GOD, HELP ME!” he yells.

He then hears a booming voice from above: “I thought you didn’t believe in me.”

“Give me a break!” the man replied. “Five minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!”

Old man John is driving down the road and comes to an apples stand. The sign says: APPLES $5/each. The old man goes up to the stand attendant and says “Why are your apples so expensive?”

And the guys says, “These are peanut-butter and jelly apples.”

John is stunned and asks to try one. He bites in; sure enough: peanut butter. But no jelly. The guy tells him to turn it over. Sure enough: Grape jam.

John continues on down the road, and sees APPLES: $15/each! He goes up to the guy at the stand.

J: Why are your apples so pricey?
guy: These here apples are ham and cheese.
J: Bullshit!

He takes a bite, and sure enough: ham, but no cheese. The guy tells him to turn it over; and he tastes cheddar cheese!
Now John is driving down the road and sees: APPLES $50!

J: Why are your apples so expensive?
guy: These here apples taste like pussy….
J: Bullshit!
John bites in a spits it out, “This taste like shit!”
guy: Turn it over.

Q. What do you call a pimple on a blonde’s butt?

A. A brain tumor

One day a twenty-something man stepped out of the shower and caught his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He said to himself, “Hmmm - you know, if it weren’t for these tan lines, I’d have a great tan.” Unfortunately, this guy is too shy to go to a nude beach. But he is determined to have an even all-over tan.

He begins to scout of isolated beaches, and he finally discovers one which is almost inaccessible. He decides that the next weekend with warm weather he’s going to even out his tan.

As luck would have it, the next Saturday was a perfect day. The young man packs up his sun tan lotion, a blanket, and a few other items to make himself comfortable and he heads off to his secluded beach where he practically has to scale down the side of a cliff to get to level sand.

After slathering his body with lotion the guy settles down for a peaceful day. Suddenly, he realizes that although he’s going to tan the are previously covered by his swim suit, he’s also going to deepen his existing tan. This simply won’t do. So the guy carefully buries himself in the sand everywhere his body is already tanned, leaving the untanned skin exposed.

About 10 minutes later, two little old ladies stroll along the beach. The first one nudges her friend and says, “Hey, Eunice, will you look at that! When I was 20 I was afraid of it. When I was 40 I couldn’t get enough of it. When I was 60 I had to pay for it. Now I’m 80 . . . and it’s growing wild!”

10. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

9. College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress-up.

8. The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

7. Three Words: School Loan Payments.

6. Sneakers are now ‘weekend shoes’.

5. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

4. You empathize with the characters from ‘Friends’.

3. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.

2. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

And the Number 1 Sign Your Not In College Anymore:

At 6am you’re waking up instead of going to bed.

Question: What happened to the woman when the two gay guys jumped her?

Answer: One held her down, while the other did her hair.