Jokes News

This blonde decided that she was sick and tired of all the “Blondes are dumb” jokes, so she decided she would prove “NOT all blondes are dumb”. She thought and thought on what she could do. Finally, she came up with an idea. She would memorize every state capital. She spent weeks memorizing them. When she learned them all, she was so proud! She told her boyfriend what she had been studying! She told him, “Ask me, ask me, ANY STATE and I will give you the capital”. He was really impressed and said, “O.K., what is the capital of Missouri?” She thought and thought and after a couple of minutes she said, “I’VE GOT IT! The capital is the letter M!”

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”

“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”

“It’s really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”

The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”

“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”

The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”

“Anything, my child.”

“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?”

What do you get when you put a gay and a jew in a closet at the same time?
A musical.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
With a keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed,
Jill got screwed.
Now it’s Jack, Jill and Andy.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For a bit of hanky panky
Jill came back
With a very sore crack
Jack must have been a Yankee

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high,
Pulled down his fly,
And Jill said, “Where’s the beef!”

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they’ve got a daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill’s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
Do you think they went for water?

An American businessman and his wife had just arrived in Southeast Asia and were looking for a taxi outside the air terminal when they were approached by a pimp.

“Hey, Boss,” he said, “I got lots beautiful girls. You want to try my girls?”

“Get away from us” said the husband “before I call the cops.”

“Oh,” said the pimp, “I got lots cute boys too, Maybe you like to try my boys.”

“I want the American Ambassador!” demanded the husband.

“Maybe difficult,” said the pimp, “but I try.”

Why was the blonde on the roof?

Because someone said drinks were on the house.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, flowing, white beard and flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am.”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.”

A man went to his dentist to complain about his false teeth. The dentist, after a careful exam, asked, “What have you been eating? Your entire upper plate has eroded since I gave you these teeth just a few weeks ago.”

“The only thing I can imagine is that recently my wife served me some asparagus with Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much that I now eat it everyday on everything–toast, meat, vegetables, fish–everything!”

“Well,” said the dentist, “that is likely the problem, since Hollandaise contains lemon juice. I’ll make you a new plate that can withstand the corrosive sauce.”

A few days later, the man returned to receive his new teeth, but he was surprised to see them all shiny and silvery. “What are they made of?” he asked.

“I know they might look a bit unusual,” replied his dentist, “but everyone knows, there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

An applicant was filling out a job application form. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”

The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”