Jokes News

Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, Gabriel tells him, “You’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the assembly line changed the lives of many people. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.”

Ford thinks about it and says, “I want to hang out with God.” The be-feathered fellow at the Pearly Gates takes him to the throne room and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, “Hey, didn’t you invent Woman?”

God says, “Yes, after I created Man“.

“Well,” says Ford, “you have some major design flaws in your invention.”

1. There is too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is too close to the exhaust.

“HMMM…” replies God, “Just a minute while I look into this.” God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints our a slip of paper and God reads it.
Then he looks at his Ford and say, “Well, my invention may be flawed, but according to my computer, more men ride my invention than yours.”

After giving a young woman a thorough medical examination, the doctor congratulates her. He says, “You may give the good news to your husband when you get home. You’re two months pregnant.”

The young woman shakes her head and says, “I don’t have a husband.”

“Well then, you can give your boyfriend the happy news.”

Again the woman is adamant. “I don’t even have a boyfriend. I am still single. I live with my mother. For Christsakes, I’m still a VIRGIN !”

Nonplussed, the doctor says, “Okay then. You can go home and tell your mother to prepare for the second coming.”

Q. why don’t they teach drivers education and sex education on the same day in mexico?

A. its’s too hard on the donkey!

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, “She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn’t she know there isn’t a God?”

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying “Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don’t you know there is no God?” But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.

AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying, and thought to himself, “Humph! I’ll fix her.” He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the doorbell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin’ everywhere!

The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, “You ol’ crazy lady, God didn’t buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!”

Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was… She said, “I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!”

A blonde took a trip to Las Vegas and decided too crash for the night. The quickly drove over to a Motel 6 and got a room. But as she was taking her luggage to her room she stopped in front of a vending machine, staring at it greedily. She quickly dropped her stuff and reached into her pocket to pull out her coins. She put the coins in the slot and pressed the button. A coke fell out of the machine as the blonde picked it up and put it in her pocket. She quickly put more money in the slot and the same thing happened. The blonde got very excited. Soon she had bought so many coke’s that the bottles were stacked up to her knees. A lady came through the door and stared gawk-eyed at the frantic blonde. She asked, “Why are you buying so many sodas?!” The blonde looked at the lady and replied, “DUH! Because I’m winning!”

Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman’s, pointed to a white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, “Hey, Sonny Boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?”

“That dress is $899.95, Madam,” sneered the rather snotty salesman.

“Oy! For $99.95, I could get the same dress at S. Klein’s downtown!”

“But, Madam,” said the salesman, “You’ll find that the dress at Klein’s is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool.”

“Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?”

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”

The woman sits up in bed and says,”What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”

The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

The woman says, “A hermaphrodite…. what’s that???”

The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the…er..features
…of a male and a female.”

The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis…AND a brain?”