Jokes News

So there was this man who was quite capable, and was looking for a job. His only problem was, …. ….well he didn’t have (ahem..) .. balls- which bothered him a lot.

Finally he got a job in a Govt office. When his boss found about his handicap, he not only consoled him but told him that though the office timings are 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM, but he may come at 11:00 AM, which he accepted gladly, without bothering to ask the reason of this generosity.

A few days down the line, his colleagues went up to the boss. “Sir, this is unfair. Just because he doesn’t have balls, he is given a privilege to come at 11:00 !!”

Boss: “Listen guys, there is no injustice, this is Govt. office, and I don’t want him sitting idle for one hour by asking him to come at 9:30.”

Staff: “Meaning?”

Boss: “See you guys are officially supposed to come at 9:30, but you come at 10:00, right?”

Staff: - silent -

Boss: “Then again from 10:00 to 11:00, what do you do ? - scratch your balls - right. What will he do ??”

There was an engineer who died and went to heaven. God says, “No, you’re not supposed to be here. You have to go to hell.” So the guy goes to hell and sees the devil.

The engineer says to the Devil, “You know what, you need an air conditioner down here.” So the Devil says “You know what, you are right.” So the engineer installs an air conditioner in Hell.

The next day the engineer says “You need an escalator down here”, so the Devil says “You are right, why don’t you put one in.” The engineer puts in the escalator.

A couple of weeks later God calls down to the Devil to see if everything is going well and if it is hot enough. The Devil says, “No it’s not hot, we have an air conditioner and an escalator now.”

God says “How did you get all that?” The Devil says “You sent us an engineer.” God says “Well send him back up here.” The Devil says “No.”

God says “Send him back or I will sue you.”

The Devil says “GOOD LUCK FINDING A LAWYER.”

A man had gone to see the doctor several hours before and his wife was worried about him.

Finally the doctor’s office called and the doctor said, “Mrs. Smith, I have some bad news. I’m afraid your husband is very sick.”

The woman said, “Oh my God, what does he have, doctor?” The doctor replied, “Well, that’s just it- he either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s Disease. I need your help to figure out which one it is.”

The woman, “Of course, what do you want me to do?”

“Well, you need to take him deep into the woods while blindfolded. Then I want you to leave him there.”

“What good will that do, doctor?”

“Well, if he finds his way home- DON’T FUCK HIM!”

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in Grant Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists it, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter from the Chicago Times was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young BlackHawks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a BlackHawks fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and starts again. “Little Wolves Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not a Wolves fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the BlackHawks or Wolves. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.

“I’m a Flyers fan,” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Bastard from Philadelphia Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

There once was a farmer named Bob. Bob had a pet snake named Nate. Bob was very fond of Nate — Nate went with him out to the fields, ate dinner with him, and even slept at the foot of his bed.

One day Bob noticed that a wash out was forming near the road to his house. If it got any bigger it would take out his house. So he went to town and got a bunch of cement, a cable, and a lever. He poured the cement into the wash out, attached the cable, and hooked the lever onto the other end of the cable.

After the cement dried, he was able to tie down the lever to keep the cement and the dirt in the wash out from falling into his house. One day Bob was driving up to his house, and he saw Nate laying in the middle of the road!!! But it was right by his lever, and if he swerved he would crash into it, causing the cement to fall onto his house. So he drove right over Nate, and Nate died.

The Moral of the Story: Better Nate than Lever

During finals in college an English Professor told his students that their final was a two hundred page essay.

“Any one who does not turn one in on time will fail. I will accept no excuses for late work unless there has been a death in the family.”

Well one student in the back raised his hand and asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”

Of course everyone laughed and when the class had quieted down the professor fixed the student with a steely gaze and said, “I guess you will have to learn to write with your other hand.”

A guy in an elevator hits a woman in the breast with his elbow and says “I’m sorry, if your heart is as soft as your breast you will forgive me.” The woman replies “If the rest of you is as hard as your elbow I’m in room 222!”

One day this man walked into a lawyer’s office he asks the lawyer, “What’s your rate, sir?”

The lawyer replies, “£2000 for three questions.”

Surprised, the man asks, “Isn’t that a bit steep?”

The lawyer goes, “Yes, it is… and what’s your third question?”

1. Everyone used to joke about a Starbucks on every corner, and now there is a Starbucks on every corner.

2. People mark December 31st on their calendar as “The End of the World.”

3. Gen-Xers trade their futons in for orthopedic support
mattresses.

4. You realize a big family is inefficient and decide to
downsize.

5. HBO introduces it’s new channel: HBO Pi - The channel that never repeats.

6. Movie promos brag, “Funniest Movie of the Millenium.”

7. Parents complain to their college kids, “You never
e-mail us anymore.”

8. Clinton responds to all allegations with, “So what are
you gonna do about it?”

9. People tell you their salary followed by, “with stock
options.”

10. George Foreman’s Super-Deluxe Grill loses to Muhammad Ali’s Damn-Straight Salad Shooter.

11. Ritalin comes in the shapes of Flintstones characters.

12. Everything computer science majors learn in school is outdated before graduation.

13. Domino’s Pizza only delivers to non-smoking homes.

14. Out of force-of-habit, you tag your signature with “.com.”

15. People refer to New Age remedies as Old School.

16. You realize you haven’t seen a movie this decade that hasn’t been interrupted by a cell phone.

17. You’re sick of receiving lists about the 90s.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scout master told us to write our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it all happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scouter Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scouter Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scouter Webb said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if it gets dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the RCMP stopped to talk to us. Scouter Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive but he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming in the lake. Scouter Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scouter Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scouter Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole.