Jokes News

What’s the difference between a lady in church, and a lady in the bathtub?

A lady in church has hope in her soul, and a lady in the bathtub has soap in her hole.

There is one thing that can be said about Bill Clinton no matter what you believe about his actions as president of the United States.

No matter how you mean it you will always be correct when you say that Bill Clinton was the president after Bush.

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cooled coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teenage girl came to the window looking frustrated.

“I’m having a problem,” she announced. “The ice keeps melting.”

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser, with an experienced partner. As they were responding to a radio call, they observed a crowd, gathered at an intersection.

The rookie officer rolls down his window and yells, “YOU WILL DISPERSE! NOW!” The crowd does nothing.

The rookie steps out of his car, draws his service revolver and says, “YOU WILL LEAVE THIS AREA, IMMEDIATELY, OR BE SUBJECT TO ARREST! THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!” The small crowd disperses immediately.

Proud of himself, the rookie returns to the patrol car and tells his more-experienced partner, “Did good, eh?”

The partner rolls his eyes heavenward and replies, “Yeah, I’ve never seen people leave a BUS STOP, so quickly.”

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn.
So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

5. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

6. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

7.Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

8.There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

9.We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

10.Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“As you can see, class,” said the medical school professor pointing to the X-ray, “this patient limps because his left fibia and tibula are both radically arched. Johnson—what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well, sir,” said the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

In old Italy, a young couple had just gotten married and being without much money, they were staying at her Mama’s house.

The young husband had arrived home early from the factory one day. He kissed his new wife and asked her to join him upstairs. The bride, being very shy, had never seen her husband naked during the daylight hours. She was nervous, but Mama, who was cooking spaghetti, told her to go up stairs and enjoy!

Moments later, the young bride came running downstairs, “Mama, Mama,” she called, “He took off his shirt and his chest is so hairy, is this normal?” she asked.

Mama replied, “Child, this is normal. Go backa uppa stairs & enjoy!” She continued to stir the large kettle of spaghetti.

Moments later, the young bride again came running downstairs. “Mama, Mama,” she called, “He took off his pants and his legs are so big and muscular, is this normal?”

Mama replied, “Bambina, this is normal, go backa uppa stairs, & enjoy!” She returned to stirring the large kettle of spaghetti.

Upon re-entering the bedroom, the bride watched her husband take off his socks, only to reveal that one foot had been chopped in half in an accident at the factory, several years earlier. The young bride came running downstairs all upset, “Mama, Mama,” she called, “He has a foot and a half!”

Mama replied, “Child, you stir spaghetti, I’ma gonna go uppa stairs!”

An obviously underage boy goes into a bar, climbs up onto a stool, and calls the barmaid.

“Can I help you little boy?”, she asks.

“I’d like a double shot of Jack Daniel’s,” he replies.

She exclaims, “What do you want to do, get me into trouble?”

“Sounds good to me,” he answers, “but how ’bout the fucking drink first?”

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and charter a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top section of the bus available when they board. They decide to take turns riding in the top and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss.

A couple of hours later, it’s the redhead’s turn, so she walks up the stairs and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She’s clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. “What’s going on?” the redhead asks. “We’re having a grand old time down below.”

The blonde replies, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”

There was a boy who had a girlfriend and the girl’s dad said to the boy, “You better bring her back by 8:15.”

So then he brought her back in the middle of August.