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CONSTITUTION OF THE REPUBLIC OF FLACKADOODLE

We, the people of the harmonious Republic of Flackadoodle do so declare the inalienable right to make up whatever constitution we choose without regards to common sense, correct grammar, and anything else we think of. Thus we present the rules and regulations of our glorious nation as they come to mind:

1) That from hence the two words “affect” and “effect” shall mean the exact same thing and any references to differences shall be struck from the manuals of style.

2) That no citizen of Flackadoodle shall maim, kill, pester, or just plain annoy any other citizen. Violation of this law shall result in being forced to watch Barney shows. Time of sentence shall be determined on a case by case basis.

3) That the difference between commas and periods in bibliographies be elimated, as it is pointless and we could never figure out why there was a difference as long as all the information is there.

4) That further laws of the Republic of Flackadoodle be decided by electing a tremendously huge bureacracy which will consist of senators, congressmen, speech-writers, ministers, priests, and the Pillsbury Doughboy.

5) That after a law has been passed by the huge bureacracy, it be carefully written down and then replaced with whatever makes sense to the writer at the time.

6) That a president be elected with responsibilites of pretending to know about foreign policy, decorating the capitol building, holding parties, getting drunk, while claiming that he is serving the people and not having any fun.

7) That if the president is shot, he will no longer hold the post of president.
That the national flower be the allium, the national insect the ant, the national dog the poodle, the national bird the Dodo(as soon as we locate one) and the national Smurf Handy.

9) That Elvis is dead. Just face it.

10) That any television show related to Star Trek be banned from Flackadoodle as it is a truly stupid show and never got any good ratings when it was first broadcast anyways.

11) That it be immediately declared the the Republic of Flackadoodle has bad relations with France, on account that they are very annoying.

12) That Rosa Luxembourg be declared a national hero, with her birthday a national holiday in which people start socialist non-authoritarian revolutions which stress that if the workers realized that their increased wages were coming from exploitation through imperialism they would reject these increases and join the socialist cause. Everyone participating (it should be noted participation is mandatory) will be thrown in jail for one day, after which they will recognize Luxembourg’s true faith and strength in pursuing what she believed in.

13) That the study of mathematical series be stopped as there are no practical uses for them in the real world.

14) That from hence forth those who stop on the stairs to talk to people while holding up the people behind them shall be fined, as it is truly annonying.

15) That women, when saying no to men, simply tell the truth and say they don”t like them rather than that whole “just as friends” speech men have heard time and time again.

16) That a National Pessimist be elected who will complain about every detail of the system so that the citizens will not have to worry about doing so.

17) That a National Optimist be elected whose job will be to constantly be happy, explain everything as being good, and always sing short songs. It should be noted that people should be persuaded not to bludgeon, shoot, or maim the National Optimist.

18) That calculators be designed so people without advanced degrees are able to use them.

19) That any computer user who uses more than four acronyms per sentence be bludgeoned and shot.

20) That people be limited to a maximum of five coupons and five coins in grocery stores.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing a single earring.

This man knows his co-worker is normally a pretty conservative fellow, and he is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings now.”

“Don’t make such a big deal of it. It’s only an earring!” he replies sheepishly.

“So? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out he dropped to his knees in prayer. “Lord, I can’t go on,” he said. “I have too heavy a cross to bear. ”

The Lord replied, “My son if you can’t bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that door and choose another.”

With relief he said, “Thank you, Lord.” Upon entering the room he saw many crosses — some so big the tops were not visible. Then leaning against a far wall he whispered, “I’d like that one.” Then the Lord said, “My son, that is the one you just brought in. ”

When life’s troubles seem to be overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.

Whatever your cross whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine after the rain.

DID YOU EVER HEAR THE EXPRESSION: YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING? THIS IS HOW IT ORIGINATED:

George Washington was traveling with his troops at Valley Forge. They were cold, hungry and tired. One of the soldiers asks General Washington when they can stop to get some food and rest.

Washington tells them he’ll stop at the next house he sees.
At the house, he knocks on the door and asks the lady if she can give his men food and rest. The poor woman says that she is very sorry because she can’t afford to give so much food away, but she will take one soldier. General Washington looks and then tells Sargeant Cox to stay behind.

The troops continue riding until they come to another house in the woods. In that house is a madam and her prostitutes. The madam gathers her girls as soon as she sees the troops and answers the door. Washington asks whether she can accommodate the troops and she says she can. By the way she asks, “How many are you?” Washington turns around and then looks back at her. We’re 99 without Cox.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!!!!!!!”

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has seen a ghost?” Most hands went up. “And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?” About half the hands remained up. “Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?”

Three hands stayed up, and there was a slight murmur in the crowd.

“Well, that’s very interesting. Let me ask if any of you have, how shall I put this….been intimate with a ghost?” One hand remained. The speaker was astonished.

“Sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had sexual liaisons with a ghost?”

The guy with his hand still up in the air looked embarrassed and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said ‘goat’.”

Q. Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez?

A. Because last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban, he was almost impeached.

One day Mr. Purdue comes up with this great idea for the Catholic Church. Immediately he makes plane reservations to go to Rome.

When he gets into Rome he makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says this:
“It is great to meet you, your Eminence, and I have a little proposition for you. See, I was in church the other day and I thought of a great idea. Purdue Chickens is ready to give the Church $500,000 if you guys will change ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken’. What do you think?”

The Pope pondered for a second and said:
“I don’t really think so.”

Well, Mr. Purdue was not going to be let down by this so he continued:
“Purdue Chickens is so organized that we figured that there would be a little dificulty in the first offer. Okay, we are prepared to give the Church $1 million dollars to change ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chickens’.”

The Pope thought a little longer this time and responded:
“No, I really don’t think so.”

Now, Mr. Purdue was getting a little nervous. He took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from his brow. He said:
“Now, we at Purdue Chickens didn’t really think that the offer was going to go this far, but nevertheless, we prepared ourselves. We are willing to give the Church $5 million if you guys will change ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chickens.’ What do you think?”

The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue blankly and then said:
“Sure.”

Later that day the Pope had a meeting with the Cardinals. He said:
“I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good new is that the Church has gained $5 million dollars. The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account.”

My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked Dad how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said my dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered “because with a clarinet she can’t sing . . .”

A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with an elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’m a nurse. I won’t laugh.”

Blushing, the man drops his trousers.

“It’s OK,” she said. “I’ve seen lots smaller than yours.”

“Really?” the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. “Yes,” she chuckled, “I used to work in the maternity unit.”

Q. why did mickey mouse devorice minnie mouse.

A. because she was fucking goofy.