Jokes News

You know why Gerald R. Ford became ill, shortly after leaving the Republican convention?

Being around THAT many Republicans at one time, is enough to make ANYONE sick!

And there is ONE “positive note” for George W. Bush in picking Mr. Cheney to be his running mate:

For the first time ever in his life, George W. will have a DICK….

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys :
- 1 bar of soap
- 1 toothbrush
- 1 tube toothpaste
- 1 loaf of bread
- 1 pint of milk
- 1 single serving cereal
- 1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, “Single, are you?”

The woman replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”

He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”

How can you tell if a redneck is rich?

He has 2 cars sitting up on cinder blocks.

And if he’s really rich, one of them is the same color.

There were 3 men in a bar talking about picking up women.
One was very apprehensive about approaching women. One of the other men says, “It’s not that hard, watch me.”
He walks up to a lady and says, “Your place or mine?” She
says, “Mine,” and they leave.

The second guys turns to the apprehensive one and says, “See that wasn’t too hard, now watch me.” So, he walks up to a lady and says, “Your place or mine?” She says, “Yours,” and they leave.

The first guys thinks to himself, “Well that didn’t look too hard.” So he approached a lady and says, “Your place or mine?” She says, “Mine, but I have to tell you, I am on my menstral cycle”. He says, “That’s okay, I am on my moped.”

I’ve figured out how to make my dick a foot long.

Fold it in half.

Q: What happens when a lawyer is covered up to his neck in sand?

A: It means you don’t have enough sand.

A horse and a chicken became very good friends on a large South Dakota ranch.

One day, the horse and the chicken went for a walk and all of a sudden the horse found himself stuck in a good size mud hole and could not free himself. So he told the chicken to run back to the barn and get the farmer because he was begining to sink. So the chicken ran back to the farm but could not find the farmer so he looked in the farmer’s Rolls Royce and he saw the keys in the ignition. So he took the car to the horse and pulled him out.

Well two days later the chicken found himself stuck in the same dam mud hole and of course told the horse to go get the farmer. Well, the horse said he didn’t have to. So the horse stood over the mud hole and told the chicken to hold on to his penis and pulled him out.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: YOU DON’T NEED A FANCY CAR TO PICK UP CHICKS IF YOU’RE HUNG LIKE A HORSE!

There is this old American Indian who stands in the street corner everyday looking at the pedestrians passing him by. Every morning a pretty young blonde who works at the nearby bookstore passes him by, the old Indian always raises his right hand and greets her with “Chance!”

This goes on for several days until the blonde decides to ask the old Indian about his unusual greeting. “Why do you keep greeting me with ‘Chance!’? Whatever happened to ‘How!’?”

“Me already know how!” replied the old Indian. “Me just want chance to screw pretty blonde!”

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society…..

DIRECTRA: a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA: men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: men taking this drug reported a sudden over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and “little” accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA: in clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA: has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

FLATULAGRA: this complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA: this drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

LIAGRA: this drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. “Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. “Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she said. “Well,” thought the man, “might as well carry on.”

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. “Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. “Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. “Hello” said the ugly fat man, “I’m waiting for you!”