Jokes News

Within his few months of eternity, George Bush finds Moses walking the streets of gold. Thinking to himself: “It would be interesting to compare notes, head-of-state to head-of-state.” He approaches Moses.

Moses sees him coming, turns white and runs the other way!

Puzzled by this reaction, George goes on his way in paradise.

A few hundred years pass, and George Bush again sees Moses walking the streets of Gold. This time he is able to stand right beside Moses before Moses notices him.

George asks, “Why did you run away from me the first time we saw each other? All I wanted to do was discuss the aspects of being head-of-state with you.”

Moses replies, “Well, the last time I spoke to a ‘Bush,’ I would up spending 40 years wandering in the wilderness!”

During the glorious days of communism, to commemorate the visit of the Soviet President Andropov to Poland, the head of the Polish Communist Party commissioned a popular Warsaw artist for an oil painting celebrating the historical visit of Lenin to Poland. The piece was to be entitled “Lenin In Poland.” Now this artist hated the Poland Communist Party and therefore also detested Lenin more so but since the pay was lucrative, he decided to accept the commission. Since there was no specific instruction on how to do the oil painting, the artist decided on his own.

So, after two months of work, the oil painting was ready for its unveiling. All the top brass and apparatchiks of the Polish Communist Party were on hand for the unveiling in the assembly hall. With the artist beside him, the party boss unveiled the oil painting. Instead of wild applause, there was a collective gasp from the crowd. Even the party boss was shocked speechless. For on the painting, there was a bearded man and a fat woman locked in a passionate embrace in front of a window looking into the famous Kremlin skyline.

Finally, the party boss was able to find his voice and glaring at the smiling artist, he screamed, “The Communist Party commissioned you to paint Lenin in Poland. Instead you gave us this indecent debauchery! Who are those people? I demand an explanation!”

The artist explained, “The bearded man is Trotsky and the fat woman is Lenin’s wife.”

“But where is Lenin?” insisted the party boss.

“Lenin’s in Poland.”

Q. What is the diffrence between doing 69 & driving in the fog?

A. In the fog, you can’t see the asshole in front of you.

A sultan is bored with all the jugglers and clowns, so he warns his servant, “Unless you find some good entertainment for me tonight, it’s off with your head!” The man is terrified, but he vows he will not fail.

Day turns to night, and it’s time for the show. “Well what have you got for me?” the sultan booms.

“Tonight, Sire,” squeaks the servant, “we have a man who will make love to a dozen women before your very eyes.”

“Now you’re talking,” says the sultan. “Bring him on!!!”

Twelve women walk from behind the curtain, and lay end to end on the carpeted floor. A young, muscular man appears and begins to have sex with the first woman. In moments, she screams with pleasure, and he moves on to the next. He proceeds from woman to woman, slowing down and visibly straining, until he collapses, helplessly, after only six.

“YOU IDIOT!” screams the sultan to the horrified servant, “why I’ve done better myself! I warned you! Take him to the block and cut off his worthless head!”

“Wait, your majesty,” begs the servant, “I don’t know what went wrong, he was great in rehearsal this afternoon!!!”

I think a Democrat must have made up the Florida Election Ballots.

Of course, we must understand the Democrats court the minorities who can’t read, write, think, or punch a hole at the end of an arrow.

As for the seniors, it bothers me that they had a problem, because they have no problems when it comes to playing 15 bingo cards at a time.

By the way, that Bill Daily is a beaut — he comes from Chicago where they use the same kind of ballot. He has got some pair of balls to make any comments about Florida.

It’s reassuring that idiomatic expressions in American English (the President’s American) sometimes make relative sense — for example, getting stood up is the opposite of getting laid.

A traveling salesman visits to a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, “Don’t miss the Amazing Goldstein!”

Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts. Animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table.

He unzips his pants and whips out a long shlong and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of clowns.

Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same “Don’t Miss the Amazing Goldstein.”

He can’t believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!

Again he buys a ticket sits through the acts and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy!

The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In his dressing room, he tells him he’s never seen anything like the act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.

“Vell,” says Goldstein, “my eyes aren’t vhat they used to be!”

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE PSYCHIC MIDGET WHO ESCAPED FROM JAIL?

THE HEADLINE READ: “SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!”

Another Blonde Invention is…….

Permanent Chalk

A guy walks into the pub and orders 5 large glasses of beer. Before the barman can blink they’re gone. 1 2 3 4 5! The barman looks at him and says, “Wow, you sure downed those quick!”

The man says, “Well you’d drink that fast too if you had what I’ve got.”

“And what’s that?” the barman asked

“Twenty Cents.”