Jokes News

One day Superman was bored, so he called Aqua man and asked if he wanted to go out on the town.

Aqua man said he could not go out because there was trouble in Atlantis.

So, then Superman called Spider Man.

He also said he could not go out because his web machine was broken.

Angered that nobody wanted to go out Superman took off flying through the air as fast as he could. In a matter of no time he was flying over an Hawaiian Island and saw Wonder Woman spread eagled naked on the beach.

Superman got a big smile on his face and decided to fly in for a quickie.

He figured he would do it so fast she would not even know who screwed her.

So he flew into her faster than a speeding bullet and bam, bam bam and he was done.

Wonder woman startled said, “Oh my god, what was that?”

The Invisible Man replied, “I don’t know, but my ass sure hurts!”

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY!
THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called “Internal Revenue Service,” DO NOT OPEN IT!

This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various other corporations which depend on subsidies to stay in business.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided corporate welfare the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard-working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don’t be among them!

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! DO IT NOW!

One day, a well-to-do lady was walking home and met an old beggar on the street. “Madame,” said the beggar, leaning over to pick up a rock from the side of the road, “I will eat this rock for your enjoyment.” Well, the lady had never seen a man eat a rock before, so she agreed.

“First,” said the man, “I will need to cook it.” The lady agreed and took the man to her home, where she showed him to the kitchen and placed a skillet on the stove. After placing the rock in the skillet and turning on the heat, the beggar asked for a mushroom, “to give flavoring”.

The woman agreed and gave him a mushroom, which the beggar chopped and added to the skillet. He then asked for some meat, “to give it substance”. The woman agreed and gave the man some hamburger, which he added to the skillet. He then asked for some peppers, “to add a little spice”. The woman agreed and gave him a pepper, which he chopped and added to the skillet.

A few minutes later, the rock was done and the man asked for a fork. The lady handed him one, and the man dove in. First he ate the mushrooms, then he ate the peppers. After that he ate the hamburger, and then took the rock from the skillet and placed it in his pocket.

“Wait a minute,” the lady said, “you didn’t eat the rock!”

“Of course not,” replied the man, “I’m too full.” And with that, he left.

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, “Why are you crying?”
The first one replied, “I came here for blood test.”
The second one asked, “So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?”
The first guy replied, “No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger.”
Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, “Why are you crying?”
Then the second guy replied, “I’m here for a urine test.”

There would be a “Rehearsal Dinner Kegger” until the cops showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of “Best Man“.

There would be “Tailgate Receptions”.

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party.

The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.

Men wouldn’t ask, “Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?” They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that “Veil Routine”. But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what’s the difference) or something.

Invitations would read as follow…

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain… He’s getting married. He either:
A) knocked her up
B) couldn’t get a different roommate
or
C) caved in to her ultimatum.

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday’s Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nachos and Pizza.

Oh yeah… B.Y.O.B.

1. Connection - Heh… what connection?

2. Complicated - Once you finally connect to the Internet (see #1), the thing that they don’t tell you when you get the Internet is how impossible it is to use if you have never used it before. They all think it is sooo easy, and I probably would think it was easy too if I programmed it. If you are dedicated enough to actually try to figure it out, that is close to impossible too. The only way to learn how to use the net is from places on the net. If the people could find the help sites…they wouldn’t need the help. The only other thing to do is buy one of those embarrassing books with the word ‘Dummies’ in the title.

3. Confusing - If you manage to FINALLY figure out how the thing works, you are faced with the problem of a brain overload. Now, they expect us to remember twice the information that we already knew. That is twice the information to forget, then you have to dig out the ‘Internet for Dummies’ book. Instead of remembering your friends name, bob…you now have to remember the FIVE letters after the name. It is impossible to go by your name on the net. People will get so pissed off trying to remember bob16493 that they will end up using the phone anyway.

4. Complex - In the unlikely event that you understand and can remember what you need to know about the net, you can move on to your Internet options. Everybody is always talking about cool things to do on the net. I am sure if you could FIND any of these things, you would think they are cool too. In the ‘advanced’ section of the ‘dummies’ book, you get to the part of actually USING the net for stuff you need to do. It takes you three times as long to find the damn book, look up the right section, try to tell your computer what to do, and finally get the info that you need, than it takes to ask somebody else who knows.

5. Computer Comedy - For some odd reason, computers think they are smarter than we are. In many cases that is true, but that is because we speak different languages. The computer thinks it is funny as hell to NOT get our information, but give us an error message instead. If it just trying a little harder, I am sure it could find what we want. But when it does give us that ‘fatal error’ we are relieved because we think we just got rid of our computer. Well…apparently ‘fatal’ does not mean our computer died. It comes back just to laugh at us and mess with our heads.

6. Confidential…NOT - You think your stuff is safe on the net? Think again (I know you have had to think enough today). Anything that you type in and put on the net, your computer tells to all of its other computer friends. We call it gossip, they call it funny.

7. Consumers - Why would you want to buy something on the net anyway? Are you that lazy that you can’t get off your chair and go to the store? Instead, we think it is really cool to buy something and have to wait a week to get it. The store is five minutes up the road, but we have to use the cool new feature we found on the net.

8. Chatting - Chat rooms where meant for two types of people: the ones with no life and no friends, and for the people who enjoy telling complete strangers everything about yourself. It is just another place to bring together people that have absolutely nothing in common.

9. Complaints - This goes along with chat rooms. Did you know that this is the ONLY other way to get many people to hate you for the same reason at the same time? That is, unless you are the President. You say one bad thing, and the people who know what they are doing on their computer will come and completely screw up yours.

10. Canceled - The final stage in using the net. This is when you just get so pissed off (probably because you are still stuck at number 3) that you just cancel the Internet. This is usually followed by throwing your computer out the window and spending the rest of you life in a little room eating those white pills.

If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the black box stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

Listed below are overwhelming reasons that coffee is better than a woman:

1. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

2. You won’t get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

3. You won’t fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

4. You can always warm coffee up.

5. You can take black coffee home to your parents.

6. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

7. You can smoke while drinking coffee.

8. Coffee smells and tastes good.

9. You don’t have to put vinegar in your coffee.

10. They sell coffee at restaurants.

11. You can always get a fresh cup of coffee.

12. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

13. Coffee goes down easier.

14. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn’t put on weight.

15. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

16. A big cup or small cup? It doesn’t matter.

17. Your coffee doesn’t talk to you.

18. Coffee smells good in the morning.

19. Coffee doesn’t care what kind of mood you’re in.

20. You can dunk whatever you want in your coffee.

21. Your coffee won’t get pregnant when you put cream in it.

22. Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.

23. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

24. Coffee doesn’t have a time of the month… it’s good all the time.

25. Coffee doesn’t take up half your bed.

26. Coffee doesn’t mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

27. Your coffee is never jealous of a larger cup.

28. Instant Coffee!

Farmer Brown had a 20 acre field behind his house.

One year, he planted beans on that 20 acres only to have a flood come and wash them all away.

The next year, Farmer Brown planted corn and sadly watched as a summer long drought burnt his corn to a crisp.

The following year, Farmer Brown purchased a thousand small peach trees and planted them behind his house. Much to his suprise, the young trees immediately produced a bumper crop in their first year of existence.

Farmer Brown began to sell his peaches door to door. At his third stop, a beautiful woman answered the door.

“Are your peaches round and firm like these?” the woman asked as she revealed her breasts.

“I don’t rightly know, Miss,” replied Farmer Brown.

Then the woman lifted her dress and asked, “Are they fussy and juicy like this?”

“I don’t rightly know, Miss,” replied the Farmer as he began to cry.

“Why are you crying, Farmer Brown?” asked the woman.

“Well, Maam…the flood got my beans…the drought got my corn…and I can tell right now, I’m gonna be screwed right out of these peaches!”

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he’d been given.

“This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,” he said.

“I know,” the owner said. “But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.”

The contractor said. “Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.”