Jokes News

Three men are discussing their previous night’s lovemaking.

The Italian says, “My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.”

The Frenchman says, “I smooth sweet butter on my wife’s body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.”

The Jew says, “I covered my wife’s body with schmaltz [chicken fat]. We made love and she screamed for six hours.”

The others exclaim, “Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?”

He shrugs. “I wiped my hands on the drapes.”

Two Irishmen are sitting at the bar, and on the side of the bar is a huge mirror.

Murphy looks over and says, “Don`t look now, Patrick, but the chap sitting over there looks the spitting image of you!”

Patrick says, “I don`t believe it, the other chap is identical to YOU as well!”

Murphy stands up and says, “I’m going to buy them a drink.”

Patrick says, “Don`t bother, they are coming over.”

What do you call a Teacher of the Year who eats a lot of beans?

An excellent tooter.

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, “Do you want them mounted?”

Blushing, she said, “No. Shaking hands will be fine.”

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas and she’s down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What should I do now?”

A man standing next to her trying to calm her down suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table he’s just left. Maybe she’s won!

He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned and he asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29 and when 36 came up, she just fainted!”

A golfer goes in a bathroom where a sign reads:

l
l
l
\ /

Line up your balls and stick your putter here!

A Jew and a Scotsman were having dinner together in a restaurant.

When the bill arrived, the Scotsman cheerfully said, “I’ll be happy to pay the entire bill.”

The next day’s newspaper headline read, “Jewish ventriloquist shot dead in restaurant.”

A proctologist walks into a bank to get some cash. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he says to the teller, “Great, just great. Some a..hole is walking around with my pen!”

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, sit down to pee -
Can justify any shopping spree
Don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
I can balance my checkbook, can pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
My beauty’s a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I’m wrong
I don’t drive in circles at any cost
And I don’t have a problem admitting I’m lost.
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I’m usually late.
I don’t watch movies with lots of gore
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score
I won’t lose my hair
Don’t get jock itch
And just ’cause I’m assertive
Don’t call me a bitch
I don’t wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
Don’t burp, don’t belch and I certainly don’t fart
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art
Don’t say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!
Flowers are okay, but jewelry’s best
Would you look at my face, not at my chest!
I don’t have a problem expressing my feelings
I know when you’re lying; you look at the ceiling
Don’t call me a girl, a babe or a chick
I am a WOMAN, get it, you prick?

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe. Sure to lift your spirits:

1 C water
1C sugar
4 eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 fifth Jack Daniels whiskey

*Get large mixing bowl
*Sample whiskey to check for quality.
*Check whiskey again
*Pour one level cup of whiskey
*Drink
*Turn on the electric mixer
*Beat one cup of butter in the bowl
*Add one seaspoon of tugar and beat again
*Cry another tup of whiskey
*Dump 2 cups of dried fruit into bowl
*Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beatererers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
*Sample the shiskey to check for the tonsisticity.
*Sift the lemmonon juice and strain your nuts.
*Next, sift two cups of salt..or something…who cares? check the whiskey
*add one table, and a poon of sugar..or somefling…add whatever you can find
*Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees, don’t forget to beat of the turner
*Thfrow the bowl out the window, *check the wiskey
*go to bed rest for two hours or until done.