Jokes News

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day’s work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.”

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. “Oh my God !!!” he whispered loudly, “It’s my wife ! Quick !!! Take all your clothes off.”

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky before she went down on him?

Answer: “Paper or plastic”?

Wife says, “Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.”

Husband replies, “Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.”

The best form of protection for sex with aides is abstinence!!!

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!

NAME:
Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. HA.
But seriously, whatever’s available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

LAST SALARY:
Less than I’m worth.

NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be:
“Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

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Note: After publishing this, we were contacted by Greg Bulmash, who is not working at McDonalds, never has, and is a respected journalist and humorist. He did write this, but as a joke, and he never submitted it to any company. Please visit http://www.imdb.com/Columns/Pulpit/Archive/p19990315.html for more info on its history.

In five days God created the earth and on the sixth He created Adam and Eve. Things were going great between the couple. He rested for a day.

When He came back He found Adam resting on a fig leaf alone. He asked what the problem was.

Adam replied, “No problem, Eve went to wash off in the ocean.”

God replied, “Oh my, I will never get the smell out of those fish.”

A once attractive blonde had gained some weight, and decided she wanted to get the extra pounds off for good. She went to her family doctor and asked him to put her on a special diet plan. The doctor told her to give him a few minutes and he would give her a plan that would get the inches off in no time.

When the doctor returned he started telling her her plan. “Eat what you want to on Monday, then skip a day.” He told her to do this in a pattern. Eat what you want one day, then skip the next.

The blonde came back in a month before she was supposed to, looking as stunning as ever. The doctor began to get worried and asked the beautiful blonde how she got that weight off so fast. They blonde wiped the sweat from her brow and replied, “All that skipping!”

The class discussion centered on the university’s coed dorms.

While the professor said this cohabitation of men and women reflected the newer generation’s relaxed ethical standards, many students disagreed.

Finally, one student asked, “You mean you never walked into a woman’s dorm after hours when you were in college?”

“Never,” the teacher replied firmly. “I always had to climb in through the window.”

It has become pretty obvious to me that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I’m out driving around I’ll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I’ll even see a ram. Up the street from me there’s some twins, but I don’t see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions, or scorpions, not many archers and no darned water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood’s not crawling with them either, needless to say. So what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

OKRA - Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies

CHITLIN - Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they’re uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL - Feb 20- Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

MOON PIE Mar 21- April 20
You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM - APR 21 - May 21
When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-about-it-attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH- May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS - June 22- July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH - July 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS - Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS - Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best — your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN - October 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO - Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
60’s style

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Things were real mellow
Even Irving the mouse

Our boots were hung up
The incense was lit
In the hopes that St. Nick
Would soon do his bit

The tree was decked out
It was really a sight
With love beads and flowers
And a flashing strobe light

Wearing my T-shirt
From the Woodstock Nation
I was getting into
Some good meditation

And my chick was doing
Some Yoga in bed
Munching a fruitcake
While propped on her head

Then POW!
And a HULLA-BALOO!
It shook the waterbed
And woke up Ol Blue

I stumbled around
And tripped on my beard
It stuck in my toes
And felt really weird

When I got to the window
I was really uptight
‘Cause the scene I saw
Was a mind-blowing sight

What through my shades
Did I see coming over the snow
But eight tiny moose
And a wild UFO

With this hip ol dude inside
Looking down right groovy
I flashed, “If this ain’t St. Nick
It must be the late movie.”

They blew in from the cosmos
Like some far out caboose
And this Fat Cat kept yelling
At each midget moose
“Right on Dasher! Get down Dancer!
Get it on… Do your thing.
Get your butts in gear
Let’s move this machine!”

Then onto the roof top
They flew with that shout
The whole cosmic crew
Really freaked me out

They made such a hassle
And made such a fuss
I thought that someone
Would call the fuzz on us

But before I could say, “Cool it!
Hold down that loud jive!
Nick zipped toward the chimney
And leaped in with a dive

As he trucked from the fireplace
His face all agleam
I thought, “This is unreal!
It must be a dream!”

Then he nodded and said,
“This isn’t a bummer…
Like I came in person…
To groove my Yule number.”

His duds were all fur
Trimmed in leather and such
And he came on stone funky
He was really too much

His backpack was painted
With black light festoon
Full of albums and posters
And a neon balloon

His eyes, a light show
His beard Day-Glo bright
A plastic, fantastic
Kaleidoscope sight

He looked like a guru
This beautiful ol cat
I though, “Like, wow!
This dude knows where it’s at!”

“I don’t want to sound heavy,
He said with a grin,
“My message is simple
So dig it and tune in.”

“I brought you some goodies
But that’s not the thing
My real trip is bringing
Good vibes to your scene.”

So we rapped until dawn
About Peace, Love and Truth
Then he said, “Gotta split now
Or be late in Duluth

And he tapped his nose
And said, “I’ve done my bit.”
Then straight up the smoke hole
That fat cat did split

As he sped from the roof
And into the air
He shouted, “Let’s get it together,
All you people down there.
Merry Christmas to all
And to all a goodnight.”

As he left I thought, “That cat
Is really outta sight.”