Jokes News

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with “the boys.” He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, assuring her, “I’ll be home by midnight, I promise!”

Well, the darts were landing just right and the beer was going down easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as can be, the guy finally stumbles home.

Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly, he realized she’d probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning, the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, “12 o’clock, dear!” (Whew! Got away with that one!)

“Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock,” she says over her morning coffee.

“Why is that?” the husband asks.

“Well, it cuckooed three times, said ’shit,’ cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled.”

Years ago I had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.

He could hardly believe his good fortune.

The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her, and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue one.

The father took one step forward, just so he could touch the babies and believe that they had finally arrived.

As he started to touch them, the nurse took a step backwards and said, “You can’t touch these babies. You aren’t sterile!!”

Without missing a beat, and with a big smile, the husband boasted, “You betcha I’m not!”

The FBI is looking for a new assassin so they place an ad in the paper. The next day they get three replies. The three men are told to come in for an interview the next day and they need to bring their wives when they come. The next day the three men show up with wives in tow. The first man is called in and they place his wife in a room and give him a gun and tell him if he can go in and kill his wife he has the job. He goes in for about five minutes and comes out and says, “I just can’t do it, I love her too much.” So they leave and go home.

The next man is called in and they place his wife in a room and give him a gun and tell him if he can kill her he has the job. The man goes in and comes back out crying and explains he just could not kill her; he loves her too much.

The last man is called in and the same thing they put his wife in a room and tell him if he can kill her he has the job. The man goes in and all of a sudden they hear BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! The man empties the gun then all of a sudden they hear a fight break out in the room and a few minutes later the man comes out all bloody and sweaty and ask the agents why the hell didn’t they tell him there were blanks in the gun — his wife was so mad he had to finish her off with a chair.

What are the three smallest words that can really destroy a man’s ego during love making?

“Is it in?”

And the three smallest words that can really destroy a woman’s ego during love making?

“I don’t know.”

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

“I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could…

“You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

Olie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So his 2 friends, Sven and Lars, went down to try and I.D. the body. Sven went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Sven said “Yaa, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”

So the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said, “No, dat ain’t Olie.”

The mortician didn’t say anything but thought that was kind of strange.

Then he brought Lars to I.D. the body and Lars took a look at him and said, “Yaa, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said, “No, dat ain’t Olie.”

The mortician said, “How can you tell?” Lars said, “Well, Olie had 2 assholes.”

“What? He had 2 assholes?” said the mortician. “Yaa, everyone in town knew he had 2 assholes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say “Here comes Olie with them 2 assholes!”

Two friends meet on the street and one gives the good news to the other….

Did you know that I finally had a son on Monday?

Gosh, congratulations, and…how is your wife doing?

Oh, I guess she is doing great so far, but wait until she finds out about the baby..

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such, they had the right to go wherever they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and his buddy commented that he’d soon have no flowers left at all.

Two weeks later, on a visit, the friend noticed that his flower beds were doing great.

So the friend asked him, “How did you get your neighbor to keep his hens in his own yard?”

“Well, one night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered anymore after that.”