Jokes News

1.If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

2.Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.

3.Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

4.Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

5.Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

6.Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

7.Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

8.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

9.Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

10.No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

11.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

12.Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we!

Q: What did president lincoln say
right before he died???

A:aghhhhh!

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some of them decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, “Hey! We need to get back!”

“No need to panic,” said a fellow performer. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I wrapped up the last few pages of the conductor’s sheet music with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

“Well, of course,” said her friend. “Don’t you get it? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded!”

Q: Do you know the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?

A: The wicker basket you store stuff in and the wicker box is what elmer fudd does to his girlfriend

This hacker hit his drive out of bounds, and the ball came to rest in the middle of a large red ant bed. He figured he would hit it from that lie, so he took his stance, took a big swing, missed the ball and ants went flying everywhere.

He tried again, and same as before, missed the ball and ants were flying in all directions.

After the third gigantic swing and miss, one ant said to another one, “If we’re going to save ourselves, we’d better get on the ball.”

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”

His friend replies, “What do you mean?”

“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

Q: Why did the blonde write TGIF on her shoes???

A: Toes Go In First

Gore and the First family were on board Air Force One, when Clinton turned to Gore and says;”You know if I throw a hundred dollar bill out the window I could make one person very happy!”

Gore just shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well I could throw 10 ten dollars bills out the window and make 10 people very happy!

Not to be left out Hilary tosses her hair-sprayed stiff hair and says; “I could throw 100 one dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people happy!

Chelsea just rolls her eyes and says to the group; “I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy!”

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, “I think I will have the turtle soup.”

The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup, instead. He calls out to the waiter, “Excuse me, can you hold the turtle and make it pea?”

What do blondes and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

Take away the breasts and the legs, and all you have left is a dirty box.