Jokes News

Little Johnny got his first job as a busboy in a restaurant. After a lady spills her drink, she requested little Johnny to clean up her mess. Little Johnny was too busy avoiding work so he never got to her. The lady then found Little Johnny flirting with a young lady at the corner of the restaurant.

Angrily she went and said, “Listen, busboy, I thought I told you to clean my mess up.”

Frustrated, Little Johnny said, “Geez, lady, I don’t come to your job and start jumping and down the bed….”

There is this snail and he is feeling thirsty so he goes to the bar and orders himself a drink.

“Can I please have a water?” the snail asks.

“Sorry, we don’t serve snails hear!” the barman replied.

“Just one!” the snail pleaded.

“Sorry, no can do!” the barman replied. “And if you ask again I will have to take you away.”

“Please!” the snail persisted.

The barman took his forefinger and curled it into his thumb and flicked the snail out the open window.

A year passed and the same barman was working at the same bar when the same snail came in again.

“What do you want this time?” The barman asked, annoyed.

The snail replied, “What did you do that for?”

what did the hillbilly do on halloween?

answer: pump kin

Ahmed was a high-ranking courtier in King Akbar’s court. However, he had one longstanding wish–to suck the queen’s voluptuous breasts to his mind’s desire.

Every time he passed the queen, he would get frustrated. He would spend the entire day thinking of ways of achieving this, but knew King Akbar’s sword would meet his neck if he did so.

One day he revealed his desire to Birbal, the King’s trusted advisor, and begged him to do something about it. Birbal, after much thought, agreed that Ahmed could suck her breasts to his heart’s content if he would agree to pay Birbal 1,000 gold coins for it. Ahmed agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high-voltage itching lotion and poured it into the queen’s bra while she was taking a bath. The itching lotion would lose effectiveness rather quickly, but that was unknown to all except Birbal.

Soon the itching started and grew in intensity, much to the royal couple’s anxiety. Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. After testing various courtiers, Birbal stated that he had found that magic saliva, and it was present only in Ahmed’s mouth.

King Akbar summoned Ahmed, and for the next four hours, Ahmed sucked the queen’s breasts. Licking, squeezing, biting, nibbling, pressing, and playing to his heart’s content, he finally got what he had always desired.

The King–a ferocious man who would normally have drawn and quartered such a person for defiling his queen–spared Ahmed’s life, in case the Queen’s itching episode should ever recur.

Satisfied, Ahmed returned and met Birbal. But since his mission was over, he refused to pay Birbal anything, and in fact, shooed him away.

Ahmed, of course, knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the King since he instigated the whole episode.

What Ahmed did not know was what Birbal would do the next day….

Birbal duly put that lotion in King Akbar’s underwear!

There is a man who has been in the desert for three weeks. He is thirsty, hungry, but most of all, he is desperate for sex. As he is walking along he see’s a camel and thinks to himself, “I could have sex with that.” So he goes to the camel and tries to hold it down, but he can’t do it because the camel is too strong.

After many failed attempts, he quits and continues walking, still desperate for sex, when suddenly he sees a naked woman tied to a tree so he goes up to her and she say`s ” I`ve been tied here for weeks, if you get me down from this tree I`ll do anything you say.”

“Anything I say?” replies the man. “Yes, anything you say,” she says. So he cuts her down and she says, “Thank you. Now what do you want me to do for you?”

He replies, “Will you help me hold down that camel over there…”

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: “Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”

In a short time, he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”

This gay guy was talking to his friend about the Bible. He said that he memorized the entire book of Genesis. His friend was stunned and asked him to recite it. After a while the friend yelled, “It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!”

A very inebriated lady walks into a bar shortly before closing time, sits at the bar and orders, “Barbender, Barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brings her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

“Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy.” Again, the bartender brings her a Martini. By this time, the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.

She calls, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”

Patiently, the bartender comes near her and said, “Lady, I am NOT a barBENDer, but a barTENDer, and what you have been drinking are not marTOUTSYS, but MARTINIS, and finally, you do NOT have heartburn–your tit is hanging in the ashtray against your burning cigarette!”

NEW YORK
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

NEW JERSEY
You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service only.
In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.

CALIFORNIA
It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
Women may not drive in a house coat.

FLORIDA
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

OHIO
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

KANSAS
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

OKLAHOMA
Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger.

ALABAMA
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Really.

WISCONSIN
In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

VIRGINIA
It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.
Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.

TEXAS
It is illegal have more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
It is illegal for person to go barefoot without first obtaining a permit.

ILLINOIS
It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a police officer.
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

IOWA
Public kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
One armed piano players must perform for free.

WASHINGTON
It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

MASSACHUSETTS
Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

ARIZONA
It is illegal to hunt camels within the state borders.
In Tucson, women may not wear pants.

Charles and Christine Benson are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After twenty four hours of driving, they decide to stay overnight in New York, and continue on to Boston in the morning.

They check in to the Hilton and go right to bed. As they are checking out the following morning, Mr. Benson is presented a bill for $650.

“This is outrageous”, he complains to the Manager. “The room was supposed to be $150.”

“Well, Sir,” explains the Manager, “We have an olympic swimming pool which you could have used but did not. We have a Continental breakfast, an in-room theater, a weight and exercise room, tennis courts, and a bowling alley, none of which you used, but you could have.”

“All right,” says Mr. Benson, as he writes a check for $150.

The Manager looks at the check and says “Excuse me, Sir, this is only for $150.”

“Yes,” says Benson, “I charged you $500 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!!!” exclaims the Manager.

“No, you didn’t,” replies Benson, “but she was here, and you could have.”