Jokes News

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.”

Old man says “Wait up…. I’ll get my hat.”

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. My husband just walked in the door.”

Yo Momma so hairy she look like she got Don king in a head lock.

Yo daddy so black when he came outside the street lights came on.

Yo breath stink so bad we need to glue a peppermint to yo bottom lip.

Early one spring morning, Papa Mole decided to check out the sounds and smells of the new season. He traveled along his burrow until he could stick his head out and survey the area. It was such a beautiful morning, he quickly called to Mama Mole to come join him. Papa Mole said, “It’s such a beautiful spring morning. I hear the birds singing and I smell…bacon…yes, someone is frying! It smells so good.”

Mama Mole said, “It is indeed a beautiful morning, and…why, yes…I think I smell someone cooking pancakes. Yes, delicious buckwheat pancakes! Come quick, Baby Mole, you must experience these delectable sounds and smells.”

Baby Mole raced along the burrow but could not squeeze past his parents. Mama said, “Do you smell those delicious smells of breakfast, Baby Mole? Doesn’t it make you hungry and happy that spring is here?”

Baby Mole replied, somewhat disgruntled, his voice a bit muffled as he tried to squeeze past his parents again, “I wouldn’t know. All I can smell is molasses!”

Have you heard about the gay guy who didn’t want to be gay anymore?

He put a patch on his dick and now he’s down to two butts a day!

This little girl Susie comes home from school and asks her mom if she can take the dog for a walk. Her mom says “No, Rover is in heat!”

Susie asks her mom what that means.

“Susie go ask your dad!”

She goes out to the garage and asks her father the same question. Her father says, “Give me the dog for a moment.” He pours gas on its butt. Then, he tells Susie, “You can take Rover for a walk but only go once around the block and come right home!”

Susie goes once around the block and goes home with just the leash and no Rover!

“Susie, where is Rover?” asks her father.

“Daddy, Rover ran out of gas and another dog is pushing her up the hill!”

1) If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2) I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3) If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be YOU by morning!

4) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or “fertilized”?

5) I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.

7) Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go fuck.
Is that a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I would love to tap that ass!

9) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas…could I meet you between the holidays?

10) You remind me of a championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount you or eat you.

11) Could I touch your belly button …from the inside?

12) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I’ll give you the meat.

One day, the pastor’s wife was going shopping, so he told her not to spend to much money.

When she got to the store,she saw this beautiful dress that was $600! But she just had to have this dress, so she bought it anyway.

When she got home,her husband said, “I thought I told you not to spend too much!”

She said,”You did, but when I tried it on, satin said that it looked gorgeous on me.”

Then the husband said, “Honey, I told you that in situations like this, you just have to tell satin to get thee behind me!”

She said, “I did, and satin said, ‘It looks good from back here, too.’”

Yo’ mama got two fingers and she’s a representative for world peace.

As President Clinton returns to Washington after a brief trip to Arkansas, he gets off the helicopter carrying a fat Arkansas Razorback Pig with a Blue Ribbon.

A handsome young Marine snaps a salute to the President and
says, “That’s a great pig, Sir.”

“Yes,” smiles Bill, “I got it for Hillary.”

“Excellent trade, Sir.”