Jokes News

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? “Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong.”

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal ™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
and
I will dwell in the House of Folger’s forever

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Here’s the actual TV listing for the movie, “The Wizard of Oz” in a Marin County, California paper:

“Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.”

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly got an itch in her crotch area. She went to the doctor who checked her out and told her she had crabs. She explained that she couldn’t have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn’t believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said, “Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don’t have crabs because I’m a virgin”.

The doctor checked her out and said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don’t have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.”

An elderly man and woman met after both moved into a retirement home. They got pretty friendly and really enjoyed each other’s company. After about three weeks, the man said, “I know we are both old and can’t do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?”

The woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man’s penis.

One day the man didn’t show up at their regular meeting place. Concerned, the woman set out to search for him. She spotted him on a park bench farther down the shoreline with another woman beside him. As she approached she saw that his penis was in the other woman’s hand.

Enraged and hurt, she said, “We have been together for two months and I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don’t?”

“Parkinson’s,” the old man said with a smile.

I can understand why men don’t like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with his Mastercard.

But he forgot to pay the bill, so the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore are driving through the country when suddenly their car breaks down. They then walk to the nearest farm where the farmer offers them a room for the night. Unfortunately, there is only room for two people to stay in there so says that one of them will have to sleep in the barn. Al Gore offers to sleep in there.

At about midnight there is a knock on the door. Al is standing there and says, “Listen, I’d love to sleep in the barn, but there is a pig in there and I can’t stand pigs.” So Hillary then offers to sleep in the barn.

About 2 hours later there is a knock at the door and Hillary is standing there and says, “I’d also like to stay in the barn but there is a cow in there and I’m allergic to cows.

Bill stands up and says, “Fine I’ll sleep in the damn barn!”

About 10 minutes later there is a knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig.

Q: how does a bagel protect itself?

A: It puts on locks.

There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, it’s average!”