Jokes News

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You are wrong. That’s not the moon; that’’s the sun!”

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names and had small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good Morning, Alex.”

“Good morning, Sir,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?”

Hoow To Cook A Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5:Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take three more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take four whisks of drinkey
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself another pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for four hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

One day, a boy turned 18 and after the birthday dinner, his father gave him $20.00 and asked him to get a hooker and have a good fuck. There he goes and returned home 15 minutes later. The father asked him why he come back so soon. He told the father he had the good fuck already but the father said the nearest whore house is 30 minutes away.

The boy told his father that on his way out just now, grandma was sitting in the doorway getting some fresh air after the dinner and asked where was he going, so he told his grandma about it.

Grandma said why doesn’t he give the $20 to her and let the boy fuck her. So, the boy fucked his Grandma. The father was so angry after hearing that and started scolding his son.

The boy had enough of that and yelled back at his father, “I only fucked your mother once and you are so mad at me but you have been fucking my mother for so many years, did I ever scold you?”

What’s gray and comes in quarts?

An Elephant!

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

“Where is your costume?” the husband asked.

“This is it,” replied his wife.

“What the heck kind of costume is that?” asked the husband.

“Why, I am going as Puss and Boots,” explains the wife. “Now hurry and get your costume on.”

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.

“What the heck kind of costume is that?” asked the wife.

“I am a fire alarm,” he replied.

“A fire alarm?” she repeated laughing.

“Yes,” he replied. “In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come.”

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a microwave?

A: A microwave doesn’t scream when you put meat in it.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, I’ll be damned!” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Doctor: “Sir, how did you break your leg?”

Patient: “Well, doctor, it was like this. Twenty-five years ago I was on the road and it got dark and…”

Doctor: “Never mind that. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

Patient: “Well, twenty-five years ago I was on the road and it got dark, and I needed a place to stay. There was only this one farm house near, so I knocked on the door and the farmer answered. I told him my situation and he said, ‘Well, you can stay here, but you’ll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter.’ I said that would be okay, and I went up and crawled into bed. She was already asleep, and that night, right after I’d gone to sleep, she woke me up and asked if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything was fine. She said, ‘Isn’t there ANYTHING I can do for you?’ I said I reckon not.”

Doctor: “What does that have to do with your broken leg?

Patient: “Well, this morning it dawned on me what she meant by that, and I fell off the roof!”

“Doctor’s Office Etiquette”

A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes sir, may we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t
come into a crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

“We do not use language like that here,” she said.

“Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ‘ear’ or whatever.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ‘ear’,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.