Jokes News

The teacher was calling on students in the class to use words that begin with the letter of the alphabet she was on and they would go a-z.

Now she new johnny had a bad mouth so she wouldn’t call on him for “a” because she knew he’d say asshole.

And for every letter johnny was raising his hand. “pick me! pick me!” he’d say. However the teacher knew that he was going to use a curse word.

So eventually she got to “r”. She couldn’t think of anything bad that started with “r” so she finally called on johnny.

“Yes johnny what is your word?” she said. “rats” he said. “very good johnny. rats is a great word.” said the teacher. “Yeah” replied johnny. “Big Fuckin Rats with 10 inch Cocks!”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down way at the end. No one else is within several yards of him, but he hears a voice. “Nice shirt.” He thinks he’s just hearing things, so he just ignores it.

Again, a few minutes later, he hears the same voice say, “Nice tie.” This time, he knows what he heard so he asks the guy at the other end of the bar, “Did you hear anything?” The guy responds, “Nope.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later, he again hears the voice, “Nice hat.” Now it’s driving him crazy, so he asks the bartender if he knows where the voice is coming from.

The bartender just laughs and responds, “Oh yeah, those are the peanuts there on the counter next to you.”

“The peanuts?” says the guy.

The bartender responds, “Yeah, they’re complimentary peanuts!”

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop POKING me with your thing, I’m going to call the cops!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss. That’s just my paycheck in my pocket.”

“Oh, REALLY!” she said. “Then you must have SOME job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour.”

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

There’s a man who makes money but does not spend it. So he goes home to his wife and says “I saved $5.00 by chasing a bus and not riding it.” So the wife says “You retard you could have saved $15.00 by chasing a taxi not a cheap old bus!”

What do you get when you cross Monica with a dinosaur?

a cigarinapus

Q: What did the sexest husband say to his wife when she came home with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, he done told her twice already.

Q: Why is car insurance cheaper for women than it is for men?
A: because men don’t give women head while they’re driving

Q: How many men does it take to change a kitchen light bulb?
A: None, the bitch can cook in the dark.