Jokes News

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the
vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice.

“Yes, it is”, replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
patiently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”

“Should do,” said the vet, “- IT STOPPED ME!”

A couple named William and Nellie
Spent their honeymoon belly to belly
Because, in their haste,
They’d used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

A couple were sitting in their house one night contemplating whether or not to go to a Holloween Costume Party they’d been invited too. The wife says,
“You go on honey. I’ve got a great big headache and I don’t feel like going anyway.”

The husband consented and he went to the party. About an hour later the wife feels better and her headache is gone. She decides,
“What the hell. I’ll go to the party and fool my husband in the process. He doesn’t know what costume I’m wearing. I’ll test him out to see if he’s faithful.”

The wife goes to the party and she finds her husband dressed in his costume. She begins to flirt and tease him intensively. One thing leads to another and they end up in a bedroom and have sex. After finishing her little trick, the wife returns home and gets ready for bed waiting up for her husband. Her husbamd comes home and the wife asks him about the party.
“Well,” he says, “I didn’t have much fun. You weren’t there. I just stayed in the back room playing pool and drinking a couple with my buddies.”

The wife looks at her husband knowing that he’s lying because she had tricked him into sex with her without him knowing it was her.

“Yeah,” says the husband, “but the guy I lent my costume too had a great time!”

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.
Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define ‘chicken’ please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

My mamma is so fat that she was wearing a malcolm x t-shirt and a helecopter tried to land on her.

An old man buys himself a rowboat, and decides to ask one of his co-workers if she wanted to go for a boat ride. She said she would enjoy that, so away they went.

The man paddled the boat until they came to a fork in the river, and asked her, “Up or Down?”

She quickly took off her clothes and started to screw him.
The next day he asked her if she would like to go on another boat ride, and she said, “Yes!”

The man paddled the boat to the same spot and again asked her, “Up or Down?”

This time she answered him with, “What did you say?” He was amazed that she did not pull the same trick as yesterday, so he repeated himself, “Up or Down?”

She started to laugh and said, “Yesterday I thought you said ‘Fuck or Drown’.”

16 of our friends, I mean sardars, went to see a adult movie, but they returned without seeing the movie so their friends asked them about what had happened.

They replied that there was a board outside the theater saying “UNDER 18 NOT ALLOWED”.

Q: Why don’t women need a wrist watch?

A: cause they have a clock on their stoves.

Have you heard about that new pirate movie??

Its rated Rrrrrrr

“For today’s science class, we’ll be looking at anatomy. I’ve brought in this dead cat so we can all have a look at how it functions,” started the science teacher.

The teacher asks a bright young student sitting in the front row, “Can you tell me how the cat’s teeth stay in, young man?”

“Sure! Its gums hold them in!” replies the kid.

“Ok, someone else, how about the fur?”

“Its skin holds it on!” replies another bright student.

“Ok, what about its tail?”

Picking up the cats tail, young Johnny turns to the teacher and says, “Well, from the size of those nuts I’d say it was bolted on!!!”