Jokes News

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informs him that he is not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender tells the drunk the he can prove he isn’t drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he is doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy doing his push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, “Hey, Fella, I think your girlfriend musta gone home.”

Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and clean up after him.

After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil’ Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the Dr. said, “Well, his unit is too small. An old wives’ tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.”

Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast. “MOM,” Johnny yelled, “the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!”

“I know,” smiled his mom, “The other 10 are for your father.”

At a local college, there was a dance.. this guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.”

She says, “yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.”

She says, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.”

A long time later, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to bop her, and says, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich”

She says, “Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but…we usually put more meat in it.”

A man with a very little man on his shoulder enters a bar. The little man is no more than a foot tall.

“Set ‘em up”, says the man to the bartender. “I’ve got to drink these fast.”

The bartender is not fazed by unusual happenings in his pub and sets up a dozen whiskies in front of the man.

The little man jumps down from the man’s shoulder and begins kicking over the shots as fast as he can while the man tries to gulp down one or two before they’ve been spilled.

“Why do you put up with that?” asks the bartender.

“I’m stuck with him” replies the man. “In fact, in a way I wished for him. You see, one day a genie appeared and promised to grant me one wish.”

“So?”

“Well, I wished for a 12-inch prick.”

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumour, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

A guy meets a girl at the bar they talk for a while and the conversation leads to sex. She says she doesn’t believe in intercourse before marriage, but she thinks oral sex is okay.

Well, they end up going back to his house and one thing leads to another and he begins performing oral sex on her.

After a while he finds a few peas, pieces of corn, and pieces of carrot.

He asks her if she is sick or something. To which she replies, “No, but the guy before you was.”

Bill Clinton bought two pigs for Hillary, and Chelsie, while in Dallas. when he was gettin on Air Force One, A Secret Service agent said, “Mighty fine pigs you got there Mr. President.”
“Thanks. This one’s for Hillary (refering to the one on the right),And this one’s for Chelsie.” (refering to the one on the left)
The Secret Service agent smiled and said, “Good Trade.”

A man and his wife are lying on a beach sunning themselves.

The husband looks and sees there is nobody around and suggests to his wife that they remove their clothing so there will be no tan lines.

She agrees and they peel down to nothing. As they lay there, the wife spreads her legs, and almost in an instant a hornet flies into her cunt. She starts yelling, “Get it out, get it out!!” The husband, in a panic, wraps her in a blanket and takes her to the hospital.

When they arrive a doctor meets them at the door. “What’s the problem?” The husband replies, “There is a hornet in her cunt! What can you do?”

The doctor says he will take a look. The doctor tries to get the hornet out with tweezers but it dosen’t work. He says there is only one other way to get it out. The doctor tells the husbnd to coat his dick in honey, stick it in her, when the hornet lands pull it out.

But he has to be quick because if it stings, it will swell. The husband says no and the doctor asks if he could. The man hesitates for a moment and then says it’s alright.

So the doctor says that he will give it a try and if all goes well the hornet should come out.

The husband steps out of the room and notices that the doctor is now on top of his wife, making a circular movement.. the husband quietly asks what the doctor is doing.

The doctor replies, “I have to intice him…” “Oh…” replies the husband. The husband keeps watching and notices that the doctor is moving faster and faster.. the husband leaves again.

After a while the husband returns and the doctor is going at it full force now… the husband yells, “What the hell are you doing?” The doctor replies… “I had to switch to plan B…. I’m going to drown the bastard.”

We have all learned to live with “voice mail” as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered, what if God decided to install voicemail?

Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father’s House. Please select one of the following options:

Say “1″ for Requests
Say “2″ for Thanksgiving
Say “3″ for Complaints
Say “4″ for All Other Inquiries.

What if God used this familiar excuse: “I’m sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on you knees.”

If you would like to pray to:

Gabriel, Say “1″
For Michael, Say “2″
For a directory of other Angels, Say “3″
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you wait, please Say “4″.
If you’ve heard enough, Say “When”.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Say “5″, recite his or her Social Security number, then say “pound”. (If you get a negative response, try saying “666″ for the “other” directory.)

For reservations at “My Father’s House” please say “J-O-H-N,” followed by “3-1-6″.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the
earth and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please stand up and try again tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday,
after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local
pastor. Thank you for praying. We look forward to your next prayer.

What does the IRS have in common with a rubber?

-Both stand for inflation, halt procuctivity, cover up pricks, and most can see right through them.