Jokes News

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

A stuttering salesperson walks from door to door trying to sell peaches. He rings the doorbell at one house and this beautiful woman opens the door wearing nothing but a robe.

The salesperson asks “M-M-Ma’am, w-w-would you l-l-like to b-b-buy s-some p-p-p-peaches?

The woman thinks that this going to be funny and she opens the robe a little and shows the man one breast saying “It depends, are your peaches as round and juicy as this?”

“M-M-M-Ma’am, whew, I d-don’t k-k-know if they are th-th-that r-r-round and j-j-juicy, b-but they are g-g-good p-p-peaches.

So the woman takes the entire robe of and spreads her legs. She asks him, “Are your peaches as fuzzy as this?”

“M-M-Ma’am, M-M-Ma’am, I d-d-don’t k-k-know if they’re th-that f-f-fuzzy, b-but they are f-f-fuzzy p-p-peaches.”

Suddenly the woman grabs the man and pulls him inside the house. “I heard somebody coming. Say, what do you think? What is the most sensitive part of my body?”

The man says “I w-w-would h-h-ave to g-g-go w-with y-y-your e-e-ears.”

“My ears? Why my ears?”

“W-Well, w-w-when you s-s-said th-th-that y-y-you heard s-s-someone coming, th-that w-w-was m-m-me.”

An Israeli doctor said, “In Israel, medicine is so advanced, we can replace a man’s kidney and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

The German doctor said, “That’s nothing. In Germany, we can replace a man’s lung and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

The Russian doctor exclaimed, “Pah! In Russia, we can take half a heart from one man, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.”

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, “That’s nothing. In America, we’re about to take an asshole from Texas, put him in the White House, and the next day half the country will be looking for work!”

HOUSE SEX : When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX : After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX : After you have been married for many,many years,you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”.

COURTROOM SEX : Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you’ve got.

A man hears a voice in his head one day, “Quit your job, sell your house, take all the money and go to Las Vegas.” He hears it a few times a day.

Soon it’s bugging him every minute of the day. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all the money and go to Las Vegas.”

Finally he quits his job, sells his house, and splits for Vegas.

As soon as he gets off the plane the voice says, “Go to Caesar’s Palace.” He goes to Caesar’s Palace.

It says, “Make your way to the roulette table.” He goes to the roulette table.

It says, “Put all your money on Red 23.” He puts all his money on Red 23. It comes up Black 17.

The voice in his head goes, “Fuck!!!”

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house.

A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He’s wearing a pink tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.

The salesman is a little taken aback, so he asks, “Excuse me son, are your parents home?”

The kid takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, “What the f*ck do you think?”

This man just had great sex with this beautiful blonde.

He felt that he was thirsty so he went down to go get a glass of milk.

When he was done pouring the milk he felt that his penis was still hot.

So he stuck his penis in the milk.

The blonde lady came down and saw that his penis was in the milk and she said, “So that’s how you guys refill those things!”

yo mama is so dumb she thought that a quarterback was a refund.