Jokes News

A hunter was out one day, crouched down for nearly an hour when he noticed this bear crawl by. So, without hesitation, he fired his shotgun at the bear. A cloud of dirt went up, but there was nothing there. Finally, he felt a tap on his sholder. It was the bear.

“What are you doing? You can’t shoot me. Turn around and pull down your pants for some sweet lovin’ or I’m going to rip you to pieces.”

The hunter had no choice, so he slowly turned around and took it in the ass. Sore and frustrated, he went home.

The next day, he grabbed a bigger gun and went back to that same spot. Not a few minutes later, the SAME bear came crawling by. Aiming for blood, he unloaded a few rounds at the bear. Dirt, dust, debris, twigs and branches flew around. Finally, everything cleared. No bear. Again, a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you stupid? Didn’t you learn your lesson. Alright, sex or brutal mutilation?”

Grunting, the hunter turned around while the bear had his way with him. He went home that night more pissed then ever. He was going to kill that bear.

The next day, he grabbed his automatic rifle. He went to the same spot and saw the same bear. He held the trigger for a full minute, let the dirt settle, then walked over to the pile of wood shavings and dirt and twigs. No bear. Finally, a tap on the shoulder. He turned around to see the same bear.

The bear gives him this look and says, “you aren’t here for the hunting, are you?”

An elderly man in a retirement home, having just gotten over an illness, was sitting on the bench outside the dining room, waiting, with a number of other residents, for the doors to open. He reached down to scratch his leg.

“On, my!” he yelled. “I must be having another stroke! Can’t feel a thing!”

“No wonder,” said the lady sitting next to him in the tight line. “That’s MY leg you’re scratching!”

Your mama’s so stupid,

She walked into a dollar store and asked for a price check.

Why don’t blondes talk during sex?

Their moms always told them not to talk to strangers!!

A man and his wife are driving down a deserted road while on vacation. In the deepening gloom, the man fails to see a deer in the road until the last second. In a panic he swerves and drives off the road, down an embankment and into a tree.

Now, the collision was so bad that the couples clothes were shredded and they were left essentially naked.

The husband was trapped in the wreckage but the wife managed to free herself. Standing by the car, she looked for something to cover herself while she went for help. Unfortunately the only thing she could find was her husbands shoe.

Covering her genitals with the shoe, she went up to the road to try to flag someone down and call for help.

As she stood by the road with the shoe covering her crotch a truck came by and stopped.

When the driver came out to see what was wrong, she blurted “Oh please help there has been a terrible accident and my husband is stuck”

The truck driver looked down at the shoe and said “Lady I’m only a truck driver, I think that you need a doctor to get your husband out of there.”

On the last day of school everybody asked Blondy where to go for the end of the year trip.

Blondy zipped down her pants, looked between her legs, and said, “Well, how about Busch Gardens!!”

The young clerk’s responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge’s yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk’s pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn’t resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

“Oh, there’s not much to it,” admitted the clerk happily, “I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.”

My game and your breath are the two strongest things on the court

You’re just like your girl …easy to score on

I believe in recycling
because I’m going to use you over and over

Mr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing and so eager to please that he decided to “work late” and to take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her he would be late and she replied, “No problem.”

So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the secretary’s home, they did the wild thing for over two hours. When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what he was going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic but he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was getting quite late.

Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and scratching at the door. He thought, “Aha! I got an idea.” He entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and exclaimed, “Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!”

Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said, “That’s nothing. Look what he did to my tits!”