Jokes News

Why do airplanes have two engines?

In case one goes out, the other can fly you to the crash site.

Did you know that Bill has new computer??

IT has a 6 inch hard drive and no memory.

Q: How do you kill 14 rednecks on the back of a truck?

A: Drive into a lake with the tailgate glued shut.

14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill.

12. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch.

11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

10. You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed.

09. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

08. Droppings in litter box spell out “REDRUM.”

07. Takes attentive notes every time “Itchy and Scratchy” are on.

06. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

05. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

04. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

03. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman’s noose.

02. You find a piece of paper labeled “MY WIL” that reads “LEEV AWL 2 KAT.”

01. Now sharpens claws on your car’s brake lines.

Why does Hillary Clinton always have sex in the morning?

So she can be the first lady.

There was this man crying on his porch and his wife walked out. “Why are you crying?” she asked.

“Well,” began her husband,”remember how your father said I had to marry you or else I would go to jail for 20 years since i got you pregnant?”

“Yes,” she started,”but that still doesn’t explain why your crying.”

“Well,” he began,”I would have gotten out today.”

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalogue!

What’s the name of the bird of power?
Eagle
What’s the name of the bird of wisdom?
Owl
What’s the name of the bird of love?
Dove
What’s the name of the bird of TRUE love?
Swallow

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: “My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons…a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.”

“Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver today.”