Jokes News

A lady goes to the doctor with abdominal pains.

He does all kinds of tests on her and finally there is only one test left. A pregnancy test.

The doctor comes back into the room and tells her that she is pregnant.

The lady is furious. “I can’t be pregnant, there is no way!!!”

The doctor replies “Well, I’m afraid to say that you are.”

This continues for several minutes and finally the doctor asks her, “You are sexually active, right?”

And the lady replies, “No, I just lay there!!”

There was this big tribal chief who was suffering from constipation, and therefore sent his messenger to the urban doctor for getting prescription.

The messenger went to the doc and said, “Doc, doc…. Big chief, no shit! Big chief, no shit!” The doctor handed him one month’s prescription. But the chief consumed all the pills in a day.

When the messenger showed up at the doctor’s office again, the doctor asked, “What’s the problem now?”

The messenger said, “Big shit, no chief! Bigggg shit, no chief!”

A construction worker fell to his death from a 12 story building. Two of his co workers were debating over who would tell the guy’s wife.John, a third co worker, volunteered his services, because he said he was really good at giving bad news. The two other workers saw John returning with a 6 pack from their dead friends house. the first worker asked John if he told the wife of the dead worker, he replied “yes, of course”, and the second worker asked “where did you get that six pack?” John smiled and said “from his wife”. The two guys looked at each other and asked John, “you mean you told her that her husband was dead and she gave you a six pack???” John answered”of course, I just asked her-are you Mark’s widow? she said “I’m not a widow!” But then I told her, I’ll bet you a six pack you are!!!

your mama so fat when she bungie jumped she went straight to hell

your mama so hairy you got rug burn when you were born

A five-year-old boy walks into his parents’ bedroom just as his full-chested mom is about to put on her bra.

“What are those, Mommy?” he asks, pointing to her breasts.

“Oh, those are balloons, Jimmy. When women die, they inflate and float you up to Heaven.”

The following week, Jimmy runs into the kitchen where his mother is preparing lunch.

“Mommy, come quick, Aunt Betty is dying!” cries the little boy.

“What do you mean she’s dying??” asks Mommy.

“She’s lying on the floor in the basement with her balloons out…Daddy’s trying to blow them up so she’ll go to Heaven, and she keeps yelling “Oh God, I’m coming!”

A blonde dyed her hair jet black so that people would think she was smarter.

It seemed to work. People treated her with more respect, and she even felt smarter.

To celebrate, she took a drive in the country. She spotted a field full of sheep, and got out to take a look. She found the farmer and said, ” These things are so cute, and soft. What are they?”

“Uh, they’re sheep, miss,” he replied.

“If I can tell you how many sheep are in this field, can I have one?” she asked.

“OK,” replied the farmer.
Feeling very smart, she looked around the field and proclaimed, “347.”

“Exactly,” exclaimed the farmer. “Help yourself.”

She picked up an animal she liked and was walking back to her car when the farmer said, “Miss, if I can tell you what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?”

Commentary by Ernest Murray “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann.

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” - A senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh.

“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach.

“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.” - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker.

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” - Bill Peterson of Florida State, again.

“I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.” - Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements.

“I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class.” - George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach.

“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.” - boxing promoter Dan Duva, on Mike Tyson.

“I can’t really remeber the names of the clubs that we went to,” Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

Your mom is like a goalie, she wear the same pads for 3 periods!!!!!