Jokes News

The wives of 4 president and prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their languages. The wife of Tony Blair says that, in England, people call it a gentlemen, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that, in Russia, you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says that, in France, you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA, you call it a rumour, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

Q: What do you call a roman soldier with hair in his teeth?
A: Glad-he-ate-her

There was an American, a Muslim & a Mexican on the edge of a cliff. THe Mexican said, ” This is for my country!” and jumped off. Then the American said, “This is for my country!” and pushed the Muslim off.

One day three guys go to a whore house. A white guy a black guy and a mexican guy.

The white guy goes to the front desk and says,” Yo I want your best girl !”

The lady there says,”Ok but she has almost killed 30 guys.”

The man says,” Whoa yeah I want her, I’ll take my chances.”

The man goes into her room and they start having sex and when she has an orgasm she grew horns, turned red, and blew fire from her eyes.

The man, nearly having a heart attack jumped up and ran out.

The same thing happened to the black man.

The mexican man asks for her and gets the story but still says he wants her so he goes up and they are fucking and when she has an orgasm she grew horns, turned red, and blew fire from her eyes.

The mexican man, surprised but not scared said,” Ooohhh yeah handle bars!!!!!!!”

yo mama so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Don’t worry about the world ending today….It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people THINK you are.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with “the enemy”.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

You should have hobbies. I have a large sea shell collection, I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it?

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time, his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition, doesn’t understand two things:

1.Women
2.Fractions

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don’t succeed … well, so much for sky diving.

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can’t ignore it, top it. If you can’t top it, laugh at it. If you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved.

The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

A man, sobering up from the night before, was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off.

The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the priest decided to make an example of him.

He said to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.” The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the priest said even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a place in hell, please STAND UP!”

The weary man caught only the last part and groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed, he said, “I don”t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and I are the only ones standing for it!”

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”

He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me
a Chihuahua?!”

A young woman walks into a doctor’s office for an annual check-up. But when she takes her shirt off, the doctor notices the letter “H” on her chest.

The puzzled doctor looks up and asks the youg girl, “Why do you have a “H” on your chest?” The embarrased young lady looks down, then replies, “I have a boyfriend at Harvard, and he is so pround of his school, that he never takes his sweatshirt off, even when we make love.”

The bewildered doctor nods and completes the examination. The next day, another young lady comes in. Again, she takes off her top, but this time the doctor notices the letter “Y”. He then asks: “Why is there a “Y” on your breast?” The young lady blushed, then replied that she had a boyfriend at Yale, and he too, never took his sweatshirt off, even during sex.

And again the doctor nods and completes the examination. On the third day, another young lady walks in, again for an annual check-up.

She proceeds to take off her shirt and bra, when the doctor notices an “M” on the young lady’s chest. Feeling sure of himself, the doctor asked, “Do you have a boyfriend that goes to Michigan ?”

The puzzled young lady looks up at the doctor and replies, “No. But, I have a *girlfriend* at Wisconsin.”

Titanic’s big, but it doesn’t have hyperdrive.

Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material;
Rose is just marriage bait.

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can’t say “Look at the size of that thing!” and really mean it.

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

People have not lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.

Two words: John Williams.

There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed “kings of the world”?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

“I’d rather be his whore than your wife” just doesn’t have the same sting as “I’d rather kiss a Wookie.”

Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could’ve anticipated “Luke… I am your father”?

Han Solo would’ve missed the dang iceberg!