Jokes News

Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

Q: Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A: A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: 3.99 a minute

Q: What’s the difference between a woman with her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What’s the difference between a 90’s woman and a computer?
A: A 90’s woman won’t accept a three and a half inch floppy.

Q: Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn’t follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: Why don’t men fake it?
A: Cuz no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

Q: What’s the speed limit on sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?
A: What you’re masterbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: “How do you expect me ot get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Q: Can we contact AIDS by sitting on a public toilet?

A: Usually not, except the case when the guy before you is still sitting on it.

Dear Jenny,
Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy’s letters.

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, It’s time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s spell checked, too.

Dear Mom,
Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay, really.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Say hi to Dad.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.
Signed, Bill.

Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. I didn’t get hurt or anything, the tape on them is fake. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.
Regards, Bill.

Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True… physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable like Aaron did with his parents with their bank, credit bureau, and the government computers. I am not kidding. O.K.? I don’t have time to write again, so this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, Bill.

See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my little boy. What can I do, Jenny? I know that it’s probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much,
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and tells the chief, “This is a tree.”

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”

At which the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells in the tribal language, “I have spent years teaching your tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could you kill these people?!”

The chief replied, “My bike.”

1. Their #1 prodict would be microsoft winders.

2. Instead on an hour glass icon, you’d get an empty beer bottle.

3. Ocassionally you’d bring up a winder (window) that was covered in a hefty bag and duct tape.

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Ahh-right” “Naw” or “Git”

5. Instead of that annoying “Ta-da” sound you’d get dueling banjos.

6. The recycle bin would be an outhouse.

7. The winders (windows) theme song would go something like “Well the first thing you know old Bill’s a billionaire”

8. Power Point would be called “ParPawnt”

9. Insted of being called “VP’s” Microsoft bigshots would be called “Cuz”

10. The Winders (Windows) logo would incorporate the Confederate flag.

11. Hardware could be repaired by using parts from an old Trans Am.

What do blondes and butter have in common?

They both spread easily!

A gentleman spent several hours after work one evening drinking excessively. After gulping down a triple shot of bourbon, he began to feel extremely nauseous. He made a run to the men’s room, but he vomited all over his shirt before he could reach the toilet.

“Oh, for the Love of God! My wife is gonna kill me!! I’m not supposed to be out drinking at all and here I am, with alcohol stinking vomit all over my shirt!!”

“Not to worry, friend,” piped up an individual who happened to be in the restroom at the same time, “Do you happen to have a $20 bill?”

The man who vomited on his shirt handed the stranger a $20 bill who folded it up and put it in the shirt pocket of the drunk.

“When you get home and see your wife, simply tell her that you went out for one drink with the guys from work when some drunk accidently threw up on your shirt. You then pull out the $20 bill and tell her that the guy even gave you money to have the shirt cleaned!”

Well, the drunk thought this was an extraordinary idea. So much so that he went back into the bar and countinued to drink.

Several hours later, he arrives at home to find his wife waiting for him at the door.

“Good Lord!! Look at you!! And look at your shirt! Did you throw up on yourself?”

“No, no, honey, listen,” slurred the drunk, ” I was out, right, then this guy just came up to me and threw up on me! It was horrible!! But look,” he says pulling out the $20 bill, “He gave me money to have my shirt cleaned!”

“Oh yeah?” asked his wife, reaching into his shirt pocket and pulling out another $20 bill, “Then what’s this for?”

“Oh yeah,” replied the bum, “that’s from the guy who shit in my pants!”

Q: What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?

A: See you next month.