Jokes News

Yo mama is so dark that when she went to night school, they marked her absent.

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning.

Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.

But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special.

When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

“No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”

“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard.

The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like, is to sing my favorite song, the whole thing, with no interruptions.”

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”

Q: My ex-wife, my Lawyer and Bill Clinton all meet on top of the World Trade center. After chatting for about an hour they all walk over to the edge, look down, and all jump over the edge at the same time.

Who do you think will hit the ground first.

A: Who really cares !!!

Miss Annie was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise!! Imagine his curiosity!!! Surely Miss Annie had flipped out or something . . .! But he certainly couldn’t bring himself to mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

“Miss Annie,” he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” (pointing to the bowl).

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.

And you know . . . I haven’t had a cold all winter!”

A blonde walks into a store and sees a cylindrical item of the shelf. The blonde asks the clerk, “What is this item?”

The clerk replies, “It’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

The blonde replies, “How cute, I’ll take one!”

The blonde goes to work the next morning with her new thermos. A colleague walks by and says “What is that on your desk?”

The blonde replies proudly, “It’s my thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

The colleague replies, “Does it work?”

The blonde replies, “I’ll let you know when I go on break, I packed it with two cups of coffee and a popsicle.”

One of the Green Bay Packers remarked on coach Vince Lombardi’s sense of fairness…the fact that he treated every man the same. “He treats us all like dogs.”

There were these 3 guys walking up a roadside right next to a cliff. Their names were Fuck You, Shit, and Manners.

Well on the way up, Shit fell off, and Manners went down to help him; while Fuck You went to call the police.

Fuck You told the cops everything. The lady asked,”O.k, now please tell me your name.” He said, “Fuck You.”

The lady said, “Please tell me your name.” Once again he told her his name, “Fuck You.” This time the lady said, “Where are your Manners?”

He said, “Manners is scraping Shit off the road.”

This guy and his newlywed wife go off to a fancy hotel to celebrate their first night of marriage. Both of them had been saving themselves for this night and both were very anxious to, you could say, get everything underway.

They strip down naked and are about to start getting kinky when the husband takes a look at his wife and says, “That’s quite a fair sized butt you got there!!”

His wife starts screaming at him and going mad telling him he should think about what he says and that she had been waiting her whole life for this one night and then she kicks him out the room!

As he’s standing in the passage feeling very despondent, he hears another door slam shut and sees another guy standing there with the same helpless look on his face. He asks the second guy what happened and he says, “Well tonight is my first night of my honeymoon. Both my wife and I had been saving ourselves for this one night. As we were getting ready I looked at her naked body and said, ‘Quite the
hefty pair of tits you got there!’ Next thing she starts going wild and screaming and shouting, telling me I’m going to give her a complex or something, and then she kicked me out!”

Just then they hear a third door slam shut and see another guy standing there.

The first one asks him, “Did you also put your foot in it?”

And he replies, “No, but I could have!!”

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: “That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before an answer I give him.”

Yetta: “Vell,…I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment, punctual like a clock. And like such a mench, he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from.

Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but such a beautiful car…a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner…marvelous dinner. Kosher even. Then ve go see a show…. Let me tell you, Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just PLOTZ!

So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me!”

Sadie: “Oy vey…so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Yetta: “No…I’m just saying that, if you do, you should wear a shmatta.”