Jokes News

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in a rural Alabama town, and a detective goes into the coroner’s to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

“This is Cletus, the Lucky SOB” he says. “He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery.”

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. “This is Bubba,” the coroner says with a grin. “He died having oral sex with Trudy-May, first sex he had.”

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. “This is Roscoe, the town idiot,” says the coroner. “He died after being struck by lightning.”

“Well,” asks the detective, “why in hell was the idiot smiling?”

“Oh,” says the coroner. “He thought he was having his picture taken.”

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, “Well, at this rate, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!”

“Don’t worry, Ma’am,” replied the clerk. “With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you’ll be home in no time.”

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well, and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well, it wasn’t long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love, Bert noticed that Flo’s toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.

When they were done, Bert lay back on the bed and said, “I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out.”

Flo looked at him and smiled. “That usually happens when you forget to remove my pantyhose.”

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect– 3 piece suit, great build, nice butt. The bad part is they both notice he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, “Someone should give him Head and Shoulders.” To which the blonde replied, “How do you give Shoulders?”

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when, all of a sudden, this great big dude comes in and — WHACK! — he knocks him off the bar stool and says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy thinks, “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again. All of a sudden, –WHACK! — the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”

The little guy has had enough of this, so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so. When he comes back — WHACK!!!” — He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! The little guy looks up at the bartender and says, “When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”

There was this bootlegger driving down the road when a police officer pulled him over. The police officer walked up to the car and saw a jug sitting in the seat beside the man.

The police officer asked the man what was in the jug and the man replied “water”. The officer then asked to see the jug. The officer took the jug and smelled the contents. He then told the bootlegger that it was not water but instead wine.

To which the bootlegger replied, “Well, looks like the Lord’s been at it again!”

Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken down shack.

Washington asked the the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick. The man said, “As you can see, I only have room for one man.” So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there for the night. Then he left with the rest of his men to find another place to stay for the night.

After walking several more miles, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they needed some shelter and a place to rest.

The madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it. She said, “How many men do you have?”

Washington replied, “About 99 men without Cox.”

The madam said, “You gotta be shittin’ me”

Q: When is the only time that a woman calls her husband “handsome”?

A: On payday!! (”So hand some over NOW!!”)

THERE’S A JEW, A CATHOLIC, AND A MORMON

THE JEWISH GUY SAYS, “I HAVE FOUR SONS. JUST ONE MORE AND I’LL HAVE A BASKETBALL TEAM.”

THE CATHOLIC SAYS, “I HAVE EIGHT SONS. JUST ONE MORE AND I’LL HAVE A BASEBALL TEAM.”

THE MORMON SAYS, “THAT’S NOTHIN’, I HAVE SEVENTEEN WIVES. ONE MORE AND I’LL HAVE A GOLF COURSE!”

On the first day of school the teacher announces, “To get to know the class better, I’d like each child to tell us their name, what their father does for a living, spell it, and if he were here what would he give the class?”

The first boy says, “Hi, my name is Johhny. My daddy is a baker, B-A-K-E-R and if my father was here he would give the class a muffin.”

Next girl says, “Hi, my name is Ally and my daddy is an electrician, L-E-K, no ahh A-L-E-K.”

The teacher interrupts and says, “We’ll come back to you later.”

The next boy jumps up, “Hi, my name is Luigi and my father is a Bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E, and if my dad were here he would give 10 to 1 odds that bitch can’t spell electrician!”