Jokes News

“I think I have a problem, doc,” says the patient, “one of my balls has turned blue”. The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if they don’t have his testicle removed.

“Are you crazy?!” bursts the patient, “How could I let you do such a thing to me!”

“You want to die?” asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed. But, two weeks after the operation, he comes back.

“Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too.” Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too, and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea. “Hey, you want to die?” asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation. But, about two weeks after he is testicle-less, he returns to the doctor.

“I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue.”

After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it.

“You want to die?” asks the doctor.

“But… how do I pee?”

“We’ll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem.”

So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor’s office. He is very angry: “Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue.”

“What?”

“Can you tell me what the hell is happening?”

So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says: “Hmm, I don’t know, could it be the jeans?…”

There was a contest held in Japan, the contest was between three Ninjas from different countries. There was a Japanese Ninja, an American Ninja and a Trinidadian Ninja.

The contest was who can chop flies the best. So the Japanese Ninja went first, the fly came flying about and in a flash the Japanese Ninja chopped the fly in half with one strike, the crowed went wild.

The American Ninja went next and with great speed and skill the fly was chopped into four tiny pieces, the crowed went really wild with that one. And then the Trinidadian Ninja went next which was the last Ninja to go.

The fly came wizzing about and the Trinidadian Ninja flung his sword with fantastic speed, but the fly just went buzzing around madly. Well everybody bood the Trinidadian Ninja and one of the judges got up and said that was a terrible display of swordsmanship and the Trinidadian Ninja said well….that may be but that fly can never pee again.

Q. What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand?

A. Kermit’s undivided attention!

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I websurfed, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and spurious site of “hot chicks galore,”
As I clicked my fav’rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,
And, of course, I was now mourning; mourning for my lost amour,
“Tis not possible!” I stuttered, “Give me back my cheap hardcore!”
Quote the server, “404.”

You might be a redneck if you think “Magna Cum Laude” is the title to a porno movie.

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

The boy replied, “Yes, dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

A blond says to her boyfriend, ” Sweetie while you’re out I want to repaint our bedroom”
The boyfriend replies, “Ok”
When he gets home he finds his girlfriend lying in a pile of sweat wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat.
He then asks her, “Why are you wearing two jackets?”
She replies, “Well on the paint can it said put on two coats for better results.

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she’s a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you’re so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great ass.

Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1. Addictions

Before: You tell her you don’t mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you’ve taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you’re just being you.

2. Bodily functions

Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it’s hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends

Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn’t mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex

Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span

Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn’t involve you. What’s more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, “Are you listening to me?” becomes an evening mantra.

Overall Evaluation

Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships …..but she suspects that you’re full of shit.

After: She KNOWS you’re full of shit!!

Two men were riding in a car when the driver of the car ran a red light. The passenger, scared of getting pulled over — or worse — warned the driver, “You’d better be careful, you’ll get a ticket!”

The driver replied, “It’s okay, my brother does it all of the time.”

A little further up the road the driver ran yet another red light and treated it with the same regard as the first. Before the passenger could say a word the driver simply said, “Like I told you the first time my brother does it all the time.”

Soon after the last red light they came across they came up to a green light. The driver with cautious eyes slowed down almost to a complete stop and looked both ways and then edged across.

The passenger was quite confused by the thought of slowing down for the wrong light that he asked with mixed sarcasm, “Why exactly did you do that?”

The driver then replied with frustration, “Duh, I was looking for my brother.”

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to inclement weather she decided to top at a nice hotel for the night. She approached the front desk and requested a room.

“Certainly, Madam”, the clerk replied.

“Is the coffee shop still open?” she asked.

“No, Madam, I’m sorry,” he replied, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select dinner from this menu?”

Mary graciously scanned the menu. “Yes, I think the cauliflower with cheese would be fine, and may I order breakfast in my room as well?”

“Of course, Madam, what would you like?”

“A couple of poached eggs would do”, smiled Mary, who signed the register and retired to her room.

In the morning, as Mary was checking out, the night clerk was still on duty. “Good morning, Miss Poppins, I trust you slept well”, he smiled.

“Yes, thank you, very well.”

“And the food?” he asked.

“The cauliflower was absolutely delicious, but the eggs… I must tell you they were cold and very overcooked. Inedible, actually.”

“I am so sorry, Madam” replied the clerk. “If you would care to fill out a comment card for the management, I can offer you a voucher for a free meal on your next visit.”

“Thank you, I shall,” responded Mary. She completed the card and checked out. Curious, the clerk looked at the comment card to see what Mary had written.

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”