Jokes News

Yo mama so skinny she could use a condom as a poncho.

Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn’t show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn’t come home at all that night.

When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked, “Papa stork, where were you last night?”

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied papa stork.

Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn’t come home until late the next morning.

When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked, “Mama stork, where were you last night?”

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn’t home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn’t come in until early in the morning.

His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, “Where the hell were you, baby stork?” as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.

“Out scaring the turds out of college students,” replied baby stork.

On a sunny sunday morning, a priest was giving his congregation a sermon about how everyone should forgive their enemies. He said, “if you forgive your enemies, please stand up.” About that time, a third of the congregation stood up. So, the preacher carried on about how Jesus had asked God to forgive the jews at the crucifix, then repeated his request. That time a good three fourths of the congregation stood up. Bound and determined, the priest continued with the ten commandments and such and repeated, “if you can forgive your enemies, please rise.” That time, the entire congregation had risen exept for one elderly man in the back. The priest said, “you there in the back, why don’t you forgive your enemies?” He said, “i don’t have any.” Stunned, the priest said, “how old are you?” The old man replied, “i’m 87.” The priest was mesmorized and asked, “how can a man of 87 years not have any enemies?” The old man replied, “that’s because i outlived those sons of bitches!”

A man walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are jerks!”

Upon hearing this a man at the other end of the bar storms up to the man and belts, “You’ve offended me!!”

“Why,” the first man asked, “are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m a jerk!”

Danish born comedian and pianist Victor Borge had just completed the purchase of a chicken farm.

“Do you know anything about breeding chickens?” asked a friend, astonished to learn of this new acquisition.

“No,” replied Borge, “but the chickens do.”

Why did the first squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was taped to the first squirrel.

Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.

You Know You’re In Trouble When …
… Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

… Your suggestion box starts ticking.

… Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

… You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.

… The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.

… People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

… You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

… The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

A woman was on her way to her annual OB/GYN appt. She was running late, but wanted to freshen up a bit first, so she stopped by her daughter’s place instead of her own since it was closer.

She ran into the bathroom, and ran through the customary touch-ups, and finished off with a little feminine deodorant spray. You know…for freshness. Anyway, her examination was pretty unremarkable with the exception of an odd comment the Dr. made at the beginning of her exam. “My, aren’t we fancy today?” he said.

Later, when her daughter asked her how her appointment went, she told her about the odd comment. The daughter asked her mother what she had done differently to herself that day, and she could think of nothing except that maybe it was the perfume from the deodorant spray, which she was not accustomed to using.

“OH MY GOD MOM!” her daughter squealed, “I was out of FDS when you stopped by. You must have used my spray on body glitter!!!”