Jokes News

What did the gay rooster say every morning?

“Any Cock’ll Do!!”

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. “It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas,” the friend observed. “But didn’t you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?”

“Well,” the husband said, “we changed our plans because, uh…”

His wife cut in, “Oh, tell the truth, Fred!” He feel silent, and she continued, “You know, it’s just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions.”

Late one night at the insane asylum, one patient shouted, “I AM NAPOLEON BONAPARTE!”

Another asked him, “How do you know?”

The first inmate said, “God told me.”

A voice from another room shouted, “I DID NOT!!!”

I once had acne so bad, even my pores have stretch marks.

There are three drunks sitting around a fire arguing. The first drunk says, “The fastest thing in the world is the blink of an eye. You know when something is coming at your eye, you blink — poof — it is over. That is the fastest thing in the world.

The second one says, “No no no, the fastest thing in the world is the light. You know how you turn on the light switch — poof — the light turns on. That is the fastest thing in the world.

The third one says, You’re both wrong. The fastest thing in the world is diarrhea because last night before I could turn on the light swich or blink — poof –I totally shit myself!!!”

The man who makes it doesn’t want it
The man who buys it doesn’t need it
The man who needs it doesn’t know it
What is it??

A Coffin

A man was blessed with a 25 inch dick. But he could never have sex because he could never find a woman who could take the pain.

So, as a last resort, the man visits a sex shop. He asks the man behind the counter if they have anything to shorten dicks. Suprised by the request, the store clerk thinks for a second.

“Well, no sir, as you may have guessed, there is not much of a demand for such an item, but I think I can help you. There is a frog in the forest that has special powers, go deep into the forest and look by the lake for the frog. Once you have found him, ask him to marry you, each time the frog says ‘no’, your dick will get 5 inches shorter.”

“Thanks!” replied the man and he was off to the forest.

The man ran as fast as he could to the lake way way back in the forest. Once he got there, he saw the frog sitting on a log. He walked right up to the frog and said, “Will you marry me?”

“NO!” replied the frog.

The man looked down to see his dick 5 inches shorter. The man asked again, and the frog again said “NO!” Now he had a 15 inch dick. “Just one more time and it will be perfect!” he thought.

“Will you marry me?”

The frog got really mad this time and screamed, “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO NO NO!”

Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal?

She was so proud she had it bronzed.

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.

Hans ran inside to get help, yelling, “MOM! DAD! COME QUICK! THERE’S A FRANC IN STEIN!”

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

“What’ll ya have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, it’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how
you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m
out enjoying myself every night!”