Jokes News

A lesbian couple recently built a house together. It was a unique design….. all tongue and groove, no studs involved.

1. If you pay dues on a tatoo.

2. If you’ve been on the news five times explaining what the tornado did.

3. If people often come to your door thinking you were having a yardsale.

4. If you mow your yard and find a car.

5. If you hear the term “modem” and think of what you did to your roses last week.

6. If you see a sign that says “Say no to crack” and it reminds you to pull your pants up.

7. If an officer asks to see your I.D. and you show him your belt buckle.

8. If you go to a family reunion to meet women.

9. If you walk your son to class because you’re in the same grade.

10. If you have a cowbell hooked to your dog’s collar… you just might be a rednck.

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity: The number of relatives you have will vary exponentially with the amount of money you win in the lottery.

There are 2 gay guys in the bathroom pissing in the urinals.

One of the gay guys looks at the other guys dick and sees a Nicorette patch on it.

He tells his gay friend, “Hey man, you’re supposed to put that on your shoulder, not your dick.”

So the gay friend says, “Hey, its working for me, I’m down to 2 butts a day.”

Why can’t you gamble in Africa?

Because of all the Cheetahs.

What is a dumb blonde’s favorite prime time show on Thursday?

Give up? ERRRRRRR (ER!)

At a convention of biological scientists’ one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”

“Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”

“Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.

However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.”

A boy comes home from school one day and goes to his mom and says “Mom, Mom, guess what! I got laid today!”

The mom looks at him and says “What?! You go to your room and stay there until your father comes home.”

When the father comes home the mother tells him what happened to their son at school.

The father goes to see the boy he says, “Well your mother told me what you did at school.”

The boy looks scared.

“Good job” says the father.

The next day the father comes home from work. He goes to the boys room and asks, “Did you get laid again today?”

“No, my butt still hurts from yesterday.”

Penises are a hobby, like fishing:

The small ones you throw back.
The good-sized ones you take home for dinner.

The big ones, you mount!

When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather than rented, one of my husband’s friends gave him a bottle of champagne.

In the hustle and bustle of getting settled, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten.

Three months later, we held a Christening party for our third child. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, we remembered our housewarming gifts.

In front of our guests, I open the attached card and read it aloud, “Harry, take good care of this one–it’s yours!”